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Why adopt embryos? Part 1- The Loss of KK

Posted on March 24, 2013 by milemarkerblog

With so many children in America and around the world why would you adopt an embryo?

GREAT QUESTION

To explain why embryo adoption was attractive you must understand the back story that included the loss of a little girl we were in process of adopting. Please understand that this story only represents the Dillon’s feelings, events, and the side of the story that we see. We cannot see the other side of the story. We also love and respect the family involved and wish them the very best and we continue to pray for them. Many facts have been left out in order to protect privacy and to make sure that we remain edifying to all parties. That said, no question about it, this was a loss for us and factored into the decision for embryo adoption.

So, here goes:

3 years ago we met a young high school girl who was looking to put the daughter that she was currently pregnant with up for adoption. I was actually visiting with this young lady’s mother who was grieving the placement of this baby but felt like it would be a good thing-she just was having a difficult time with losing her grandchild. At the time, my friend did not know that we were looking to adopt in the future. When I told her that she went home to her daughter and asked her daughter what she thought about allowing us to adopt the baby. I don’t want to say too much here but there was not a very good situation in the young girl’s life at the time and there were complications to her parenting KK with the father or alone. We met the birthmom, she liked us and was happy to have us adopt the baby although she didn’t say a lot- you know it has to be excruciating to think about giving up your life, the life inside you. She wanted her baby to have a strong loving home though.

We completed the paperwork with the lawyer for a private adoption and began the joy of going through the appointments, ultrasound, and ultimately birth with her. What joy to hear KK’s heart beat for the first time, to meet with the OB and to text with her and hear about her contractions as each day we were closer and closer to meeting our little KK.

We got out the crib, set up the baby room (in Lexi’s room) and got all of the fun baby things out. We tried to love on everyone and I remember comforting the birth grandma and letting her know how much I wanted her to be involved with the baby- we will call her KK to protect her identity. We kept part of the name from the birth mom and changed only a little bit of it. It actually is a name we really really love and may use in the future. I even was able to relactate! My son was almost a year old and I had recently weaned him. With the help of a lactation medication I was able to restore a supply of mild in the 3 months leading up to KK’s birth.

KK’s birthday came and we were blessed to be with her mom, grandma, grandpa, at her birth. I remember holding KKs mom’s hand and arm while she labored and she was so strong as she beautifully delivered this amazing little girl.

The nurse showed her to mom and family but KK was hungry so she gave her to me to nurse. She took to me perfectly, naturally, easily. I felt like that was my child. The fact that she was not my genetics never even came to my mind. My body responded properly and I was making as much as she needed. I apologize in advance if this picture below is offensive. I love breast feeding and part of the preparation for KK was an intensive amount of pumping so I could feed my adopted child. This bonding made her feel like she was mine!

Looking back on it, I cannot imagine the pain and torment KK’s birthmom was in as I was feeding comforting loving her child. Or, was she trying to block it all out, was it ok- she knew the baby would have a good home, she knew we could give her a sister, brother, love and support in every way. We wanted her to be part of the family too. This would be a very Open adoption. I had brought the baby bag to the hospital, I had brought her going home outfit, her bows, her diapers, her blankets, her embroidered bibs, burbs, and bags all with her name.

The kids came up to see her and take pictures with her as did many friends! From these next few pictures you can see the joy on my daughter’s face- she was just glowing- she had a sister!

Seeing KK for the first time hands to her face and then over her mouth and then on her heart.

One Proud Big Sister! Proud Little Brother Too- He was even so excited for his sister!

Mom and her Girls!

We stayed in rooms next to each other in the hospital. KK stayed with me mostly and some of the time stayed with mom. When she was hungry I fed her and I cannot tell you how well my body responded. I made more and more and more milk because of the connection with KK (remember I had been pumping for 3 months to get ready and very little was made every day). Now I was flowing and she was eating, I remember holding that precious baby and loving it and I absolutely felt like she was mine. It was as if she had come out of my very own body. She was mine! The whole time we were in the hospital we knew that mom couldn’t sign away rights until 48 hours after birth. I wish I could say that was an easy time but we were kind of in a wait and see attitude. Would we get to keep this precious one as we had been told? Could birth mom really do it? Or would she decide she can’t live without KK. Papers were signed allowing us to take KK home for the social worker.

The second night in the hospital the birth mom asked if she could keep KK that night. Something grew in the pit of my stomach, something I had probably been ignoring for a long time. I remember hearing KK cry that night through the hospital wall and my heart just broke. I knew she wanted me and would be comforted. Then, just before discharge from the hospital, the news arrived that the birth mom was going to take KK home. I was not going to have the privilege of mothering this child.

It is a tough thing to explain, I had been very public about all of this adoption. That taught me a lesson for the future opportunities to keep them very quiet until they are absolutely going to happen. Then to leave the hospital without a child in hand was crushing. My mom was at home ready to meet her new granddaughter. I couldn’t go directly home to the kids as broken as I was. I ended up going to Patty Lynn Weber’s home and just cried and she kindly held me and cried with me. (For some reason Paul and I had two cars at the hospital.) I am so honored that she took time out to comfort me at that hour. I really needed her. When we did get home we had to tell Lexi and Luke that KK was not going to be ours after all. I was sort of numb for a few days. I had booked a photographer to take her pictures (newborn pictures) when she was only a few days old. This photographer also had an adopted daughter so she wanted to love on the birthmom as well as me. She took some gorgeous pictures (I took the clothes I had picked out for her and a beautiful headband to the photog prior to the session). KK is an absolutely beautiful baby. That day the photog offered to help the birthmom if she ever needed anything. It was arranged that the photog would keep KK the next day so birthmom could go see her boyfriend who had not been able to see his daughter yet. He lived a few hours away. She would have the baby for the whole day so she asked if I would like to come over and love on her and take care of her. I said yes absolutely and spent several hours that day with KK. In those hours I was able to say good bye to this little girl, only 72 hours old (and already with a baby sitter for the entire day) that I had prayed for, loved, prepared for and thought was mine. I don’t think anything can prepare you for that kind of loss.

Actually, there is one thing that can protect you from that loss- guarding your heart. I cried for days, we cried as a family, Lexi and Luke were a little younger so they were not as aware of everything. My mom was angry, angry because she felt like the birthmom had taken us on a ride. (I don’t think she did it intentionally.) We had to heal as a family and we went through many emotions of the pain and the loss and I learned that expectation means a lot. I continue to learn this about myself- I need to manage my expectations because if I can set out for others what I can and cannot do, and if I have clear ideas of how things are going to work than I am better able to operate. Even then, we never know what tomorrow will hold. God is the only one there already.

This was her crib all ready for her. The next Sunday was mother’s day and the dress in the crib was for her to wear to be dedicated. Her crib had actually been given to us by the birth family so we disassembled it and returned it to them. The linens were Lexi’s and I have them put up waiting on another little girl to join our family. Perhaps this is the hardest thing for me to submit to the Father- the desire for another little girl. Lexi wants a sister, I want another daughter. I wonder if some of that desire is placed by God or is some of that desire is due to this loss. I am not sure but I trust God to give us what we need not what we want. We are submitted to Him. As soon as I say that though I immediately think “OK, God- I am submitted to you …….but could you please do it my way?” Isn’t that crazy! We all have things that we need to constantly give back to the Father, for me the desire for a girl is one of them.

And just like that May 6th, 2010 was over and we were moving on to all sorts of events- dance recitals, all of the end of the year things that I had problem solved how to do with our sweet little girl. Each event passed and it slowly became easier. I did not go to baby dedication that weekend. The loss was just days old at that point and I couldn’t do it!

Current Update!

We saw KK at the pool park last summer. She played with Luke and he has no idea that this cute curly haired girl was once to have been his sister. I smiled and waved at her mom. I wasn’t hurt or angry anymore. It was ok KK has a home, it just isn’t ours.

If you had lived through this experience then it would make an impression on you. The desire to not bond with a baby (even before it is born) and have a mom change their mind is a little like ripping your heart out. All we could do was pray that God would reveal himself to this child. I love this family- especially KK’s Grandma- and we still pray for that little girl!

This is one reason embryos were attractive- the genetic parents want their children to have homes. They are giving out of love. The gift is given and set in stone long before the baby arrives.

Link

Amanda Watson Caring Bridge

Lexi attends a private school about 30 minutes from her home. A 3rd grader at her school recently underwent a surgery to remove a tumor in her brain. She is just embarking on the journey through radiation, chemo, and countless therapy appointments. Could you all join me in prayers and encouragement for this sweet family! The have not announced the etiology of the cancer yet but would love any encouragement or love you can send her way. I follow their caringbridge and would be happy to repost at any time!

Sensitivity

Posted on March 22, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I don’t want to be misunderstood about my personal impressions of the adoption process on this side of the coin, or to ignore the other side of the situation where a loving mother is trying to find a place for her child- a child that she loves and wants to give them the world. After I posted yesterday a friend from my small group sent me the following message from her perspective as a birth mom.

“I was just reading the post technicalities. It’s very interesting to read from that side of the adoption process. One of the things that struck me was you described mothers sifting through books like car shopping. I guess I had never thought of it like that and can certainly understand why you might not feel “good enough” or want to be compared to other parents.

In my own experience giving up my son at 17, I also had to read through profiles and compared parents. Any number of them would have loved my little boy. But then, I ran across one profile that I was drawn to like a magnet. There was no other profile after that. I was not a woman of faith at that time, but looking back I have to believe it was a direct intervention on my son’s behalf. When I read this profile, I didn’t choose it because they had been waiting a long time or lived on a farm or had kids or didn’t have kids or any of the other general details of their lives. It wasn’t any of the details except this one….that they were very involved with the church and believed Jesus Christ was their savior. That is the sole reason I chose them. In fact, compared to everyone else (the one thing that you were expressing a fear about) these people shone like a bright star. These people lived their lives in such a way that they included that as a priority in describing themselves, not just passively mentioning they were Lutheran or something like that. That, even as a non-believer, was what I wanted for my son.

Interestingly, they told me at our first meeting that they worried they would not be good enough. And I don’t know if God guided my words or what, but I softly responded to them with tears in my eyes and said, “you have opened yourselves to give my little boy a good home, you are more than enough.”

I love this response it represents the care of a mom who knows that this is going to be a painful decision for the future of her life even if it was a good decision for the baby. It is interesting too that her chosen family felt inadequate to ever be “good enough” for this gift. We feel the same way- how can we ever be deserving of such a gift? Who are we that we deserve to be given a life? Maybe that is where the dislike of comparison shopping comes in for me- would we ever be chosen? Ultimately, I believe that my friend was drawn to that profile by the Holy Spirit and that he had that particular family picked out for that child.

In the next few posts I will share a little about our adoption experience that failed as well as our trip through matching with embryo families and the Holy Spirit’s work in divinely creating families.

Technicalities

Posted on March 21, 2013 by milemarkerblog

After Dr S. agreed to work with us on the embryo adoption there were several tests that he needed to make sure we were good candidates. There was lab work for myself as well as my husband; and there was the aforementioned meeting with the psychologist. We did some research and determined that Dr. S has anyone who is using anything that is not their own genetics (sperm, egg, or embryo) must meet with someone to make sure that they have thought about the consequences and understand what they are doing. After this lovely meeting in her home office we were a couple hundred dollars lighter but we had her blessing. We then returned to the task at hand of completing the home study paperwork. This was almost done on our side and I remember the social worker from the agency was going to be out of town for almost a month so we needed to have the home study on a specific date before she left out of town. Lexi was at grandma camp and Grandma was kind enough to bring her back home early for this meeting. I seem to always be in a hurry in this process and then it always seems to be hurry up and wait. Our local social worker was fabulous and asked us many thoughtful questions that I would later recall. She was learning about embryo adoption- it is a kind of new field. She asked all about our motivations, our reasoning, our family’s opinions, and many many other thoughtful questions. I remember her asking “Would you consider taking a baby if a baby arrives and needs a home”. For some unknown reason that elicited an emotional response from me; and with misty eyes (or a little more than that) I told her “I can’t really imagine saying no to a child that needs a home”. It is true- show me someone with a heart for adoption that is headed down one road that isn’t going to be open to God leading a slightly different way. Many families have amazing stories of their open adoptions and the stories of birth mothers being involved in many aspects of their lives. I will write a whole post in the future of our failed private adoption that was part of the reason we pursued embryo adoption. Suffice it to say, the pain of that failure dissuaded a repeat of this scenario. That said, if a child is just there with no home….how could we say no?

On June 18^th I underwent a test called a Hystosalpingogram (HSG). I had heard horror stories about how painful this procedure was and I could spend a whole post blogging about the specifics of this. The coldness of the waiting room as I sat in the radiology waiting room in a robe with several women undergoing radiation for cancer coming and going through the locker room of sorts. The doctor that delivered my two oldest children was still my physician and I was SO relieved to get to work with her again. We grew to love her the day she sat and labored with my best friend from residency ALL NIGHT LONG. For hours on end she assisted her in the birth of her son. We loved her from that moment. Basically, the HSG would put some dye into my womb and determine if it was open and disease free and could carry children. As we already knew, the test came back excellent. I was in the clear. The waiting began again.

We would now be waiting on a match for embryos. I have to say that it is very unsettling putting together a profile and having a family read it and decide if you are what they are looking for as the parents of their children. I will tell you that I had the feeling of unworthiness to be able to accept the gifts that the family would give us. Thoughts that plagued my mind were “Will someone want us?” “Will they like us?” When I knew that our profile was sent to family I wondered in self-doubt and a lack of faith in God that we would be “good enough” to be matched with a family. Honestly, that was one of the things that bothered me about domestic adoption. It sounds silly, but to be in a book with many other families that were desperately wanting to have children and to have birth moms turning page by page was just a little unsettling for me. We have biological children, would that mean that a birth mom or family would think that we would love the adopted child any less? How long would we sit and wait for that mom that wants us? I don’t know why- I think it is likely a failure in my maturity but I didn’t want to be judged against other families. The process of selecting an adoptive family felt to me like car shopping. A man does research, looks at the different cars, the Honda has certain amenities but the Lexus has these other luxuries. I think I will go with the Lexus….. He makes his decision comparatively. Another example of this would be rush for a sorority or fraternity in college. This idea just didn’t sit well with me. Even now, I try to teach Lexi and Luke to not compare themselves with others but the only person that they can compare themselves with is their best or with the example of Christ. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this way of matching- it is necessary, needed, and a beautiful part of adoption. It just wasn’t for us.

This was one attraction that I had to embryo adoption. I do not know how other agencies match donors with recipient, but Nightlight sends your profile out to one family at a time. That family either accepts or declines us before they are sent another family. No comparative shopping, no car shopping. It was just one of the simple things that felt right!

Hope you all are having a wonderful evening. Lexi told me tonight that she “woke up when she turned 3”. She tells me that she started having memories at 3 and “it was like my eyes were opened the day I turned three”. (WHAT????) As we were talking about our Easter plans she told me “I would like to see the Easter pictures from 2011- can you remember the Easter egg hunt from that year?”

Random!

Comments

Posted on March 20, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I would love to hear from you! Please leave comments, I would like to know about you and read some of your blogs. Perhaps you have recommendations for me. Please let me know!

Bouncy Balls

Posted on March 20, 2013 by milemarkerblog

Who doesn’t love a bouncy ball? We sure do at our home. We almost had a whole party just around bouncy balls but we switched to Hot Wheels just in the nick of time. We couldn’t completely leave out the bouncers that we had purchased (many of them say class of 2012 and they were about 2 dollars for 144 of them!).

The balls made their appearance to the delight of the boys. Of course gleeful little boys and girls rolled in them. Threw them all over the floor and creating a fort out of a small table. (Typical) The kids also like to put their feet in them when they are in their basket and pretend it is a massage.

An obscene amount of balls is more than anyone needs. Yes, this would be the American mindset- more is better.

Enter very large ice cream Sundays and over sized….well, just about everything.

Today’s ball reference is due to the behavior of my 4 year old who can be a lot like this video:

http://youtu.be/KMl5l6mOySU

Ever tried to stop a bouncy ball or catch one in a small room after it has been thrown with full force? It jumps around bouncing equally off of walls, ceiling, the floor and anything else or anyone else in its way. Tonight we ask Luke to go brush his teeth and in true bouncy ball fashion he ended up hitting about 5 different things before he made it to the task of brushing his teeth. Do anyone else’s kids do this?

“Luke, go brush you teeth”

Luke-

Jumps off the bed

Goes to the piggy bank on top of the dresser

Heads over to the box of books

Heads in to the bathroom to potty (well, at least he did that one right)

Decides he needs to find his blanket

Gets to the sink but is distracted by the different kinds of toothpaste.

Gets the paste on his brush

Brush in hand goes to get his marbles from the rocking chair

Oh, don’t forget the HOT WHEELS that he HAS to sleep with

Turn off the light

Turn on the light turtle so the blue light from the stars will be on the ceiling

Find the moon on said ceiling

Finally brush teeth.

Ok, so you can call this poor parenting, not having an exact order to every single bed time ritual, or you can call it exhaustion energy (we get that second wind when we are distracted), or just call it stalling. Either way, it’s pretty funny to be honest. On the surface it is funny but underneath there is the need for Luke to obey “Right away, all the way, with a good attitude, Everyday”. That is really our desire but we get lost because he is so stinking entertaining through this little shenanigan. Sometimes after the first tangent or second we will give Luke a gentle reminder of the need to be obedient immediately. Tonight that prod didn’t work so I did the counting thing- now listen, I know the kids need to obey immediately but sometimes we find counting works. I didn’t realize until tonight that may be because Luke sees it as a competition between himself and the time. I said “Luke you are going to get a spank in 3………..2………..1………” I had barely made it to 2 when he had his brush to me with the paste so I could load it up for him. I hand the brush back to him and you know what that stinker said?

“Mommy, count down my swat again for me to brush.”

Really, did he just say that? Really, he just said that! With the gleam in his eye and the biggest broadest smile on his face he wanted to race the clock again. Yes, he has received occasional swats for safety issues and obvious defiance so the threat of it is real. Paul coined the phrase swateez……my son speaks swateez……it motivates him. Maybe because he knows we mean business. Kind of like a bouncy ball that drops into water. It is stopped in its tracks- no more banging off of everything.

I am kind of like Luke from time to time. I want to do everything but THE thing that I need to do. I am just not 4 with a charming personality any more! He certainly is a lot cuter disobeying than I am. Then again, he won’t be 4 forever and no boss is going to motivate him by counting down from 3 to 1, then again…….

Keep Running (or chasing your little bouncy ball)!

Holiness without the Halo

Posted on March 18, 2013 by milemarkerblog

Holiness

Holiness, what a word. Lexi and Luke (6 and 4) can never remember the meaning despite several attempts at instruction on this topic. It is somewhat difficult for a young one to understand. Goodness, it is difficult for adults to understand never mind children. So here is the object lesson that finally drove it home………

My 4 year old is really funny but then again, aren’t all moms biased to the humor in their own children? A couple of weeks ago everyone was tired after Sunday school, Lexi was hungry, mom and dad were extended and only Lukie was raring to go. As we exited the children’s wing of the church my “spirited” son began to whine “But mommy, what about worship”…….He continued to fuss and pitch and whine that we were not going to “worship”. Sweet Lexi (understanding that the service would mean that we wouldn’t make it to her beloved Mazzios that day) put her arm around Luke and rightly stated “Lukie, we can worship in the car, on the way to Mazzios……We don’t have to be IN the worship SERVICE”. Of course I am not sure that she was thinking about coming in to an intimate time with her Savior in the car to pizza restaurant all of 2 miles away but she does understand that there are many kinds of worship. As we exited those plate glass doors I looked at Paul and the decision was made- how would we or should we deny our 4 year old worship? In all honesty, Luke loves the music, particularly the drums and he really would prefer to stay in the service for just the music part then slip out. We do this sometimes, and I think it is necessary at times. I have no condemnation on those that stay for one service nor do I believe those that religiously attend both are any better or worse than others. There is however, blessings in corporate worship beyond the fact that we have been commanded to take part in it. There is a discipline, a soothing comfort in the ritual of meeting with a church body for worship. So yesterday, we headed for the service, sat down front and to the right, like we always do and Lexi’s attitude soured more and more as we got closer to our seats. Luke, on the other hand, was joyful. As we arrived at our seats Lexi continued to frown all the more due to my not having pen or pencil for the children’s bulletin so she could at least “entertain herself”. As we began the musical part of worship each child wanted to be held. At 6 and 4 I wonder when they will stop wanting to be held through music. I don’t mind it though, they will grow up soon enough. Luke enraptured by the drums did his best to sing along in his daddy’s arms, Lexi (after a nudge from mom regarding the need for a heart change) sulked and turned to worship along with us. She can read now, so the ability to sing along is improved. In all honesty, the kids were not trying to misbehave they were just simply tired and I was pushing them at least another hour away from their beloved alfredo pizza that awaited them at Mazzios.

I knew we would have a guest speaker today, our pastor had facebooked it. I am likely the only person that wanted to hear the guest speaker as a result of our pastor’s facebook post! In any case, here we were about to hear from the 82 year old Stuart Briscoe. You can read his bio here:

http://www.tellingthetruth.org/about/Bios/Stuart.aspx

Of course, I had heard his name however I had not read any of his books. I knew that he was not unknown to our church and that his wife was ministering in the prison about 40 miles from our town. Stuart assumed the stage and began to speak in an old English accent. There is just something about people from England and the way they speak that automatically draws you in. This, and the classic story that we all know of the little girl in Sunday School whose teacher describes a squirrel and asks the class what she is talking about. Of course, the Sunday School answer for everything is “Jesus”. Paul and I have even been known to say “I think it’s a squirrel but I am going to say Jesus” when an answer is obvious. Lexi, on the other hand, had not heard this story. She was able to settle and listen (praise the Lord I didn’t have a pen) and I look to my right and Luke has comfortably laid his head on his father’s chest and the two of them drifted peacefully to sleep. Their sweet little snores bringing snickers to our friends just in front of us. No matter, they had worshiped- Luke in the way that he wanted to, and Lexi was in for a treat.

You can hear his sermon by following this link:

http://www.templebiblechurch.org/sermon_downloads

and I urge you to find an hour and listen. Some of what he said will likely not be translated into voice because it was the hand demonstration that left the indelible impression in Lexi’s mind.

What is holiness? Adults will likely rattle off “set apart” and indeed that is what I had been trying to have Lexi remember- We are set apart for God’s purposes. Mr Briscoe used several other phrases and methods of explaining holiness. The one that sank in with Lexi and that she continued to do for the rest of the day was the image of a man who has “cut his finger off”. I guess this is a common thing for grandpa’s to fold down one finger and pretend like it is gone, and to the wonder and amazement of their grandchildren, they can replace said thumb or finger with the slip of the wrist. You all remember that gesture?

Other than being set apart, holiness actually means “cut off”, the verb to cut, as in the thumb being off the body. The church is “cut off” from the world. Another Stuartism (or Briscoeism) that I really like is that we are “something else”. Those in Christ are “something else” entirely. Of course, none of us are made perfect and we continue to pursue holiness day by day but in stature and countenance we are “cut off” from the world. Later, at aforementioned Mazzios, I asked Lexi (and Luke who had sweetly slept through the whole thing) what it meant to be holy. Putting her hand up and showing her daddy (who had just as sweetly slept as well) how her thumb was missing she said “set apart, cut off”. “What does that mean?” I asked her. With a shoulder shrug she said “I am not sure”. We further discussed this being cut off and set apart. What she can’t understand at 6 I pray will become clearer and clearer to her as she gets older, I pray the seeds of this sermon will bring forth fruit later in life.

I am very thankful for the object lesson in the humor of Stuart. I hope you will take time to enjoy him (with your children) as well.

Here is a link to buy the book:

http://www.amazon.com/Holiness-without-the-Halo-ebook/dp/B0076C6MMU

In conclusion, how did Mr. Briscoe say we are to continue to become holy? Well, ultimately it may just come back to that age old Sunday School answer.

Jesus

Specifically the passage of

1 Peter 1:13-25

Be Holy

¹³Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming. ¹⁴As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. ¹⁵But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; ¹⁶for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”^[a]

¹⁷Since you call on a Father who judges each person’s work impartially, live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear. ¹⁸For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors,¹⁹but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. ²⁰He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. ²¹Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God.

²²Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.^[b] ²³For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. ²⁴For,“All people are like grass,and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;the grass withers and the flowers fall,²⁵but the word of the Lord endures forever.”^[c]

And this is the word that was preached to you.

I will get back to the adoption progress tomorrow, until then……

Keep Running!

25 hour day?

Posted on March 17, 2013 by milemarkerblog

So, I thought that getting to the match after all of the challenges of the home study that took an extraordinary amount of time. If anyone has completed an adoption home study they understand that it is a long process. While completing the home study I simultaneously needed to find a fertility doctor that would understand and be on board with an embryo adoption for someone who did not have fertility problems. I am often asked many of the following questions:

“Can’t you have your own children?”

“Why don’t you adopt one of the children that are already here?” followed shortly by “There are so many that are already here that need homes”

“I don’t mean to be rude, ugly, frank (you fill in the word)……but, have you considered having more the natural way?”

More often than not I hear people say

“I didn’t even know that you could do that.”

“Hmmmmmmmm”

“Wow…..”

Well, let me answer some of those questions now, and in the future I may continue with occasional sidebars to the reason we chose embryo adoption. It starts with picking our fertility doctor- that is why I have included it here. We visited with Dr S. for an initial consult almost a year ago now on March 23^rd 2012. I remember the day when we were ushered to his corner office and a tech performed our intake. We love Dr. S. but this particular tech was perhaps new or not exactly the most mature of this amazing office. She was bubbly and sweet and I do remember her asking me the date that I last started my cycle. I had no idea. It is amazing to her that I was going into the office of a fertility doctor and yet I didn’t know when my last cycle started. Any of you out there who are trying to get pregnant know EXACTLY when your last “Day 1” started! This sweet tech got out her iphone and showed me an app that could help me track things. I would never again not know what day was “Day 1”. She ask me a myriad of questions regarding our fertility history (she was not aware that we had two children biologically) and how long we had been trying to have a child, and all sorts of medical history questions. After a little wait Dr S. came in. He was a tall thin man with 7 children and a quirky clock on his desk that ran slightly different than the other clock. He told us that one of his patients gave him a 25 hour clock because there was not ever enough time in the day to get everything done- he needed another hour. He asked us many questions, asked us about embryo adoption, our motivations, our goals as well as the specifics of embryo adoption. Dr S. has not ever worked with Nightlight Christian Adoptions or the Snowflake Program so he was interested. I remember him telling us “You know how many embryos that we have frozen in storage? We can’t do anything with them and we don’t have the infrastructure to be able to manage all the intricacies of this process.”

On that topic, did you know that there are estimated to be over 600,000 frozen embryos throughout the United States? What are we to say regarding these embryos? Are they life? Are they people? Are they an excellent avenue for research? These are personal decisions that each person must answer for themselves. These are the issues that each person who struggles with fertility must decipher for themselves. Technology has intersected Divinity for the creation of life. Is that a bad thing? It has given life to so many families that would not have had children without that intervention. Or, do you call it life? Is it a grouping of cells? Dr S. said one thing that day that I will not ever forget. He said “Once I connect that sperm with that egg it is a whole new thing in the eyes of the law and in the eyes of everyone involved.” Of course, he was speaking of the job of the embryologist in his lab but the principle weighed heavily on his heart although even to today I am not sure if he thinks of it cynically or with appropriate awe. Once an embryo is created in the lab it is a whole different thing, it is no longer just tissue it becomes more. I will leave intellectual discussions for others wiser and brighter than me this blog is about experience, it is not meant to dissuade or change opinions, just to chronicle our experience and hopefully encourage another along this journey. Dr S. has devoted his entire life to helping others succeed in their desires to have children. I guess we sufficiently answered his questions because he passed us on to the next step in the process. We were to meet with a counselor- a psychologist who could determine if we were suitable and if we were educated on using a “donor embryo”. He also ordered more tests so that he could tell if I was a good candidate for accepting embryos. These appointments would come over the next few months.

Happy St Patrick’s Day! St. Patrick the patron Saint of Ireland. We got our green on this morning for church. It was a lot of fun- I have never seen so much green at our church.

Keep Running!

Disjointed

Posted on March 16, 2013 by milemarkerblog

As I look this over I see that the blog seems a little all over the place without a specific order to it. Tomorrow we will “start at the start”. That was almost a year ago now when we started this journey and take it from day 1. See you then.

The Long Absence

Posted on March 16, 2013 by milemarkerblog

For 8 months this blog has been silent. It is a funny thing how one feels that they have nothing worthy of saying or of someone else reading. That said, I have decided now, somewhat in hind sight to record the missing elements of the past 8 months. Over the next few weeks I may blog about current events, our past events and the lessons learned along our adoption journey coupled with the pain of its experiences. I have been private (that is highly unusual with me) in my interpersonal relationships when it came to this journey but now it is time to speak, to give a voice to the joys and the pain that are wrapped up in the journey. Where do we begin? Let’s start with our Oklahoma* babies.

Oklahoma* Babies
It was a joyful day on October 1st, 2012 when I received the following email:

“Congratulations, you have been selected! Your biography and photo collage were out for consideration by Danny and Krista* (names changed), who live in Oklahoma*. They have now contacted me and said that they would like for you to adopt their five (5) embryos. Accordingly, please find attached their family profile. The embryos were frozen in February of 2004; all 5 are at the 2PN stage. The eggs were retrieved from Krista when she was 36 years old.”

I can tell you exactly where I was when I opened the email. I was connected in my car via wireless card to my internet- I still remember the back street that I was going down when I received the email. I was in tears, I was over joyed, I loved this family immediately, after I called Paul to get his opinion on the potential match I was quick to place an over emotional phone call to Nightlight. I called our adoption agency- Nightlight Christian Adoptions and ask to speak with Kelly, I will never forget the sweet secretaries voice on the other end. “Is everything ok she asked?” I stated yes, yes, it was all just wonderful. Why I broke into tears I do not know (it would be consistent with who I am and how my emotions run).

Here is part of Danny and Krista’s letter that gave a window into the heart of a family that loved their children and desired for their frozen embryos to have a family that would love them and as their letter to us states….

“Our prayer is that we may offer these precious little ones to you in hope that you may be able to give birth and enjoy the child of your dreams…..Our prayer is that they will be loved and brought to the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ”

All I needed to know is that we had one common goal to introduce our children to the Savior in the prayer that they will one day trust him as their Lord. In this, we would agree and be aligned and over the next few months our lives would be intertwined from a distance.

What I didn’t know at the time and really until I am researched to write this post today another amazing event happened on October 1^st 2012 that I knew nothing about nor would we for months to come. As only God can today again I was brought to tears by the realization of the date OCTOBER 1^st 2012 would soon become a large part of our family’s life…….apart from these sweet embryos.