People Pleaser Right Here

Posted on August 12, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I like to be liked. I am a people pleaser. I cannot stand it when someone is upset with me. I get anxiety just thinking that I may have offended someone or that I may not be doing something the right way. Since I own a business I have become pretty good at being professional, creating a plan to address issues, and tackling the issues head on but deep down inside I still have that desire to please people. I believe courteousness and the ability to read people and react properly are skills that are developed and I have improved with those over the years and subsequently my ability to please people has evolved. That being said, I am not capable of pleasing everyone and it still bothers me! Ask that friend from college, ask that patient that I had 10 years ago when I first got out of school, ask that more recent friend that I let down. Just this week ask that one person (or two) that didn’t think I came across right.
I could write a bunch right now about how we should aim to please God not man at all times. I know that but what about that verse in Luke where Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and favor with God and man. Kamp Kanakuk calls it the 4 square life. Often times pleasing the Savior will result in better relationships with other people. I guess I have a little bit more work to do to be where I need to be, both to release my hurt feelings and not have hurt feelings in the first place, but to trust God with every issue that may come up.
Enough of my mire….let me show you some cute pics that we haven’t shared

The dressy dress is due to attending the service of a beautiful family who lost there daughter after 6 hours of life. What a great time to celebrate her little life.

Birthday Party for some Friends! What a joy!

Great times in the foam pit

Half Serious smile- best he could do!

Love Yall,

SDG

Where is my treasure?

Posted on April 18, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I attended the University of Oklahoma starting in the fall of 1994. April 19^th 1995 was just a regular Wednesday morning. I had an 830 speech class. At 9:04 the worst act of domestic terror occurred at the Murrah Federal Building. I didn’t hear the noise as many of my friends who were outside, I didn’t feel the shake, although my friends did, I didn’t even know anything had occurred until I walked into one of the coffee bars on campus. I was just going to grab a breakfast bagel and wait before my next class was to start. All of the students were gathered around a small TV up in the corner of the small restaurant. We were a mere 30 minutes to ground zero of this attack- the Alfred P Murray Federal Building in downtown Oklahoma City. We watched for a little while as the horrific events of what is now known and “the bombing” unfolded. I clearly remember the fear as Timothy McVeigh’s picture (or a drawing of him) was posted on the TV because he was not in custody. You all know the story- the beautiful building with a glass front and a day care center at the very center in front of the building. A coward drives up a yellow Ryder truck loaded with anhydrous Ammonia and proceeds to a getaway car (without license plates) while terror ensues.

Why is it that the initial shock gives way to a fear and wondering of what will happen next (is this it or is there more to come?). To this day, I do not like to be anywhere close to a yellow Ryder truck. The day continued with the entire campus in a state of shock and numbness due to the insult. We walked around shaking our heads, speechless, unable to concentrate on anything else. Fast forward to the evening, Campus Crusade weekly meeting was that night. We met early to pray for the evening. We met on the 8^th floor of a building on campus with very large windows and a 360 degree view of campus. On clear days you can see almost to “The City” as anyone from Oklahoma calls it. That night was different, it was dark, ominous, one of those April storms that Oklahoma is famous for. Real tornado weather- it gets a dark orangey color about 5 or 6 as the cool air collides with the warm air. It was dark by now and a full-fledged thunder storm was on the rise. Looking out those windows lightening was visible and lit those terrible clouds as the rumbled, rolled, and churned in the night sky. It was almost as if the devil himself was laughing at the havoc he had caused. Practically this storm slowed down the relief effort but it was their symbolic nature that stood out to me. The devil had one this battle. Due to the magnitude of this disaster recovery was not easy of anyone. Were there people trapped? Were there people in the rubble that could not be located? What now, now that it was raining? The search was called off for that night because it was treacherous to attempt to reach victims or injured that still could have remained in the rubble. We prayed in our room upstairs, earnestly we prayed for survivors, for the relief workers, for the city, the state, and the nation. We prayed that evil would not triumph and we begged God to allow their to be other’s to be found alive- that they would be recovered and soon.

As you can see the carnage was amazing- up until then America had not seen anything like it.

This is the picture of the century- the tenderness of sweet Baylee who died shortly later.

Baylee Almond

That night my friend Shana was coming to Crusade with my roommate. The following Saturday there was a date party for their sorority and I was setting her up with a friend of mine Ronnie. They wanted to meet at the meeting before the party. I looked around the room earnestly as people arrived for Ronnie. He didn’t come and he didn’t come. I asked one of the staff from Crusade if they had seen him. They responded “Tamy, didn’t you hear? Ronnie’s mom is missing in the rubble.” What does one say? Coldness washed over me. At that time “missing” almost assuredly meant deceased. God is in the business of miracles though and if anyone could perform a miraculous act and save my friend’s mom He could. We prayed for him that night, for all of them, for all of those rescuing people and very soon the rescue effort became a “recovery effort”.

I had to go see for myself what the pictures on the news were showing. The next evening a girlfriend and I drove to downtown OKC just to look, just to see it for ourselves. It was just that building that was destroyed the Methodist Church beside it was also heavily damaged. It was a rather quiet ride- what could you so to an insult so great that ultimately 168 people were murdered and 19- yes 19 of them were children. You see, the building was mostly windows with the day care positioned in the very front of the building on the second floor. All were innocents but the children! What could ever come of such a tragedy? We continued to pray and weeks passed. We started to learn why this man felt like he needed to make a statement and attack his own people. The site was searched and cleared for days and days on end until they were not able to go any further. Something special happened during this time, a fence was set up to block off the site from onlookers and those that gathered to see the building. This fence became a special part of Oklahoma history to this day. Everyone wanted to visit “the fence”, to leave their mark of love, encouragement, teddy bears for the children. It demonstrated community, resilience, and honored those that died. People came from far and wide to leave their mark at the fence. To this day it remains imbedded in my mind and part of it is in the museum that exists at the bombing site. I too left many a race number from the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon on that fence.

So many things have happened this week. Boston Bombings, West’s Plant Explosion, Gary’s (our senior pastor’s eye removal) surgery today, and the anniversary of the bombing tomorrow none are a surprise to our Father. I sit here on the couch and show Lexi the pictures of West, some pictures from the bombing and the fence that adds hope. I tell her these stories and where I was when this occurred. I do not want her to fear tomorrow but I do want her to know that when the world falls in, when all else has failed, our Father is present. We talked about where our treasure was and what we treasure. As she says, “If this house burned down we would just find a builder and fix it- it’s ok, it is just stuff”. So often my treasure is here and now and it can so quickly be taken from us. The message of all trials (for a Christ-follower) is to grow more like Him every day. We have hope because our treasure lies elsewhere.

The Survivors Tree

One tree survived the blast that was on the complex, it is now called the Survivor’s tree. It is a symbol of home that evil will never and can never conquer good. For where our treasure is- there our heart will be also…..

Stay tuned for the rest of Ronnie and Shana’s story tomorrow and how “Mile Marker” got its name (it goes all the way back to the bombing).

Our only constant is our hope for our heavenly home.

Run on.

Welcome to the Family!

Posted on April 16, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I have been away for over a week due to Paul being in Guatemala on a medical mission trip. So much has happened today with a shooting at the local high school and the bombing of the Boston Marathon yesterday. So much to process and I am not really there yet. At times I think “What world will these precious children grow up in?” “What will there life be like 20 years from now?” Do we really want to bring up more kids in this ugly world? Of course the resounding answer is that God is in control. From the first day until now nothing happens that he doesn’t know about. I am going to just post some photos today because I need a little more time to problem solve, meditate, and ruminate through everything. As I said in my last blog, when we found out about Jonathan we could not get him fast enough. I cannot imagine having to wait any longer than we did to get him. I want to share some of our first photo session with him. My children have a special love for their brother. It is amazing!

Photo credit to Kelly Hosch.

I cannot tell you what an amazing man this daddy is. Anyone who knows Paul knows he is something special, something different. I was apprehensive about him going to Guatemala- I will admit it! I don’t want to do life without him and I don’t want these kids to lose him. Selfish, I know. On the other hand, I am glad that we got the rest of our life insurance! (Hey, I am practical!)

I love my brother. I only have one brother. He is also an amazing man with an equally amazing family. They could easily fill up three blogs with more information than you would want to hear my musings on. They also have an even better story to tell. I didn’t know kids could be as close as these kids are- the love that Lexi and Luke have for their little brother is really something that is new to me. Perhaps because these are a little older (my brother and I are 13 months apart) they wanted Jonathan and appreciate him more than I ever did my brother. This is a new concept for me. They really wanted this little boy!

Luke- oh heavens! That child has such energy! Remember how I DID NOT want a BOY! Wow, I sure would have missed out on God’s amazing blessing. Even now he is my sleeping buddy. Don’t judge, I know you are supposed to kick the kids out of the bed- we don’t do the whole co-sleeper thing- but since Jonathan has been here our sleeping arrangements have been a little different. Paul sleeps by the monitor in the living room (did I mention he snores) Lexi in “grandma’s bed” and Luke with me. I love just being able to touch his foot as he sleeps or waking up with his foot or arm over my face and listening to his little snores. Boy how I love that boy!

Lexi, my doll baby! She has a heart of gold, gift from God, just like my mother in law, or a girl version of her daddy. Modest, caring, loving, she cares about her friends, the feelings of others, and she really desires to be a little mother. More on her spirit and what she is teaching me soon.

Brotherly love- I will do a whole post on this one! I was so busy with hearing Lexi wanting a sister I never even stopped to realize (until after we had him) how much Luke needed a brother or how special this relationship would be. Jonathan will laugh at Luke more than anyone else. Luke can come up and dance for him and he kicks and tries to dance, Lexi comes up-he smiles. Luke, he jumps out of his seat almost, Lexi again- a little giggle. Really, Jonathan has picked his favorite- it isn’t mommy or daddy- it is LUKE!

I get the privilege of mothering this child!

So, this is our new family. Now we are 5!

A little part of this picture is missing. I would so love for Jonathan’s bio mom to know what an amazing gift she has given us. We haven’t met her and haven’t been able to tell her Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you! I hope we will someday!

Run on!

Jonathan Thomas

Posted on April 9, 2013 by milemarkerblog

After we got the call “We have a little boy”. This one is ours. He is ours? He is for us? You mean, for real? For so long we have been praying for embryos, birth moms, babies, siblings, etc., and this one is actually ours?

A wave of emotion that I did not expect flooded over me. Could I do a good job taking care of this child? I had no doubt with KK. This one I did not know, I had not planned on, and we weren’t expecting. Could we afford it? This adoption would be a lot more expensive than the embryo adoption. There were a few hours of tears, possibly the release of emotions that we were finally going to get to keep a baby but also a doubt in myself that I was capable. That being said, the question very quickly became “How quick can we get him here”. I now understood the longing that every adoptive family feels when they have been placed with a child that they know is theirs however they are on the other side of the world. Our child could have been in Egypt he seemed so far away. In reality he was only two hours away but we wanted him NOW! A part of our family was somewhere else- he belonged here- in this home. It happens just that fast with adoption. I think that God changes our chemistry and creates bonds like this. We weren’t exactly in the clear yet. He was ours, mother’s rights had been terminated, but the original adoptive mother had not actually signed the documents to release the Child Placement Center from their contract with her. It was only 10 days from December 9^th until we had him in our home on December 19^th but it felt like an eternity! The mom never got back to the agency so they had to send her a legal paper that let her know that she was released. I don’t know all of the exact issues and legaleez but we didn’t like waiting! I think the concern was that we would lose this one too! We had been through this and we just wanted him with us- where he belonged.

Here are some pictures of his Gotcha day where we were able to bring Jonathan home. This was the first time we had ever even seen him in person.

The kids had to wait while we signed all the forms.

Loving on Julie!

First Look at Him

First Touch and cuddle

More Cuddles!

Lexi’s card for Jonathan

Julie wants cuddles too

Sweet Sleep

Reading JT the card

Family attention

Always close by

Luke reading JT the card

Precious Father Son Moment

Can’t get enough

: Can you see the Beam in his eye?

Something was funny

Final Good Bye Fabulous Foster Family

Our new family!

Praise Him From Whom All Blessing’s Flow! We were going to have the BEST Christmas Gift ever!

Sunday’s Coming

Posted on April 7, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I would have posted this video on Friday of last week but it is used so often at Easter. This video comes to my mind as a cry of hope (that was our word for the last year) in any time of discouragement or despair. It’s Friday, the world seems dark……Sunday’s A Coming!

As we get ready to worship this morning and feel down, we trust that Sunday is here!

Father, I am available to hear your words today.

Behind the Scenes

Posted on April 3, 2013 by milemarkerblog

As I previously blogged we matched with 5 embryos 2pn stage. That means that these embryos were fertilized and then frozen immediately (Day 2 hence 2pn). There are a variety of types of embryos based on how old they are and how they are frozen- slow freeze or fast freeze (called vitrification). Embryos that live longer in the petri dish- grow to be 3 days old or 5 or even 6 days old tend to have a better chance of survival. We didn’t know this at the time we matched with those embryos. I thought I had done enough research (obviously a little more might have been helpful) and heavens- there were five of them. Not everything was said and done on October 1^st though when we received that email. Following the initial match there were further tests and blood tests and things seemed to take an unusually long time even when December came around we were still “in process”. We thought it would happen- I am still not quite sure why things stayed in process so long. Contracts to sign, blood work to be done (infectious disease) and just hold ups.

Let me back up here before I fully go into December. At our home study the last August the social worker asked us if we were open to a baby. We said that there was no way we could say no. Knowing our history we were reluctant to get involved with birth moms. That being said, they did go ahead and tell us about different birth moms that were looking in to adoption. I will withhold some of the emotion roller coaster even from the slightest hint that there might be a baby. All these months learned about their lullaby home. This is a temporary foster home where infants go immediately from the hospital to stay until their permanent family can come get them. Child Placement Center works with several families overseas and so sometimes the babies have to stay in this home for a small amount of time. We knew that they had a little boy and a little girl that were waiting for their adoptive parents. Thanksgiving came and the little girl went home. December 9^th rolled around and I received a phone call the little boy (Finn) was still in their foster home. Something was potentially wrong with his original adoption. I had a hard time believing it, no way were we actually going to be able to adopt a little boy.

After all that we had experienced it was actually going to happen?

What about the embryos?

What should we do?

What in the world was God doing?

Ohhhhhh- a baby for Christmas!

Could we dare hope?

When all our dreams were coming true (It seems God was giving us the desires of our hearts- another child) I personally had a type of insecurity, a little mini crisis……

More on the Process

Posted on March 28, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I will come back to Part 3 and Part 4 of why we chose embryos in the future but I would like to digress to part of the process for just a little while if it is ok. As I said in a previous post- October 1^st 2012 we found a match with 5 embryos. Prior to this however we were matched with a family that had 2 embryos. They were a wonderful family and Paul and I struggled and struggled praying over if this was “the one” for our family. There were several things that we looked at. Some of them were not, in hindsight, issues at all. At the time though, they mattered. For example, this family had two wonderful boys. We worried “What if we have a girl and they haven’t had a girl?” How would that be for them? Would they be sad that we were able to have a girl and they could not? Our social worker assured us that the family was very pleased with their current family and that their family was complete- they would be delighted whether we had boys or girls. I am not even sure why that mattered. I wonder however if it was just a cover because my real underlying concern was “If they had two boys maybe both of the embryos are boys and we have no chance at a girl”- Isn’t that silly! We are thankful for life, and life in general- why would it matter what sex the child is. As I have said before- this is something I am still in process of working out. Maybe it is because Lexi is so wonderful, but yet, we have not hit the tweens or the teens yet. I know ultimately, whatever we are given we will love and enjoy. I also pray even now for my future son in laws and daughter in laws. I think that is one of my bigger concerns with boys- you lose them to their wives. People always say that girls stick closer to home. I know it is true in our family. That being said, I have the BEST mother in law- a mother in law that Lexi takes after exactly. I am so blessed that she does! The second and probably largest reason that we did not adopt the first set of embryos that we matched with was because they were Jewish. I really thought that it would be an honor, a joy to have a child who was Jewish. Since we are Christian we have a great respect for the Jewish faith. One is Jewish by blood and heritage not because of a decision they make. Paul and I would want this child to go through all the rights, the rituals, the sacred ceremonies of a Jewish child. We would owe that to that child to honor his origin as well as his birthright. Paul and I just didn’t think that we had the ability to make sure that all of those activities were met by us. It would have been an honor and privilege to be a part of that community and it was very attractive to us- part of what made us want to adopt those 2 children but ultimately we felt that God had something else for us.

Because that was our first match, I cannot tell you how hard it was to let go. Would someone else want us? We know that this is a match- would we match again? What would our next match be like? Saying no to those embryos was very hard. I guess it is important for me to write about saying no because I want to make sure that people know that it is ok. The perfect match is out there. The right one is there, it is ok if there is a diffuse feeling of “this just isn’t right and I don’t know why”. We didn’t have very good reasons for saying no, it just wasn’t right.

We are excited about this Easter. We attended and LOVED the UMHB Easter pageant yesterday. This was Luke’s first time to really sort of understand. He just kept saying “Mommy hold me” and “when are the bad guys coming”. Then at the very end he was upset and hurt at what they were doing to Jesus, then joyful over him coming back from the tomb, and then cried (hard) when he didn’t get to high five Jesus. It was one of those contorted ugly cries- I think more from the heavy emotion of it all not so much from the high five but I am not sure. Either way, it was my first time to attend however Lexi’s 4^th. I think it will need to be a new tradition. Reverent Maundy Thursday to you- Sunday is coming!

Why adopt embryos? Part 2- Working Parts

Posted on March 26, 2013 by milemarkerblog

There are many reasons people adopt. I hear this wording lately of “growing your family through adoption”. I am not sure exactly what that means- it isn’t like a garden where we plant tomatoes and see what grows. We personally are not “growing a family” as if acquisition was the objective. Perhaps I am misreading here but for some reason it is just sort of an odd statement. Another odd statement was recently stated to me in an interview regarding embryo adoption from a researcher in England. They do not have embryo adoption in England so it is a novel thing to them. He stated “Ok, so it is kind of like you want to be a savior”. That bugged me too. No, I don’t want to be a savior, there is only one of those. God is big enough without me to manage every single one of His children that he loves. He doesn’t need me or my womb. He can do it without me. So why in the world would we do something like this on purpose?

I can only speak for myself (and occasionally my husband) regarding this issue. If you have read any of this blog you know that we had a difficult situation with the loss of a little girl in a private adoption. That made a huge impression on us. Why not adopt from Africa or Hati or any one of the thousands of children in orphanages that don’t have homes; that are going to grow up alone without a family? Why not adopt a child from here- out of the foster system? All of these are needed and necessary ways of adopting- every adoption is hard, it is not for those who would like it easy. A friend of mine sent out a message to several friends who had all adopted recently asking about the agency they used and what were their thoughts. It was amazing to me that every single answer revealed a different adoption agency as well as a different path. There are so many ways to adopt it is amazing. One friend who used one agency at first was using a different agency the second time. I digress.

In short, we chose embryo adoption because we can do something that not everyone who wants to adopt can. I have “working parts” and we have the ability to adopt in this way- a way that not everyone can. I asked Paul one time “This isn’t like real adoption; it isn’t like there is a child in an orphanage that needs a home”. Embryo adoptions are technically “tissue transfers” similar to an eye lens, kidney donation, or any other organ transplant. These children do not have rights in the eyes of the law- they are just tissue. As I wrestled with this a year or so ago and discussed it with Paul. Ever the fluent one he stated “Are you telling me that a child frozen in liquid nitrogen is not a life without a home?” “I would argue that this is a child in need of a home just as much as any other child that is currently in a mother’s belly or in an orphanage.” I don’t know, I am not sure I would go that far but I am still trying to work it out but I do know that I can carry and give birth to a child when not everyone is given this gift, why wouldn’t God call us to adopt this way? We are somewhat unusual in the embryo community because we have children (I don’t know any statistics for that). I have conceived, carried and given birth to my children with only one miscarriage. Frequently embryo adoption is a means for a family who has not been able to conceive their own children to allow them to experience the joy of pregnancy and birth of their own adopted child. Why does embryo adoption appear to be restricted to those who have not been able to obtain pregnancy by traditional means? It shouldn’t! I challenge that the life in that freezer is just as much a life as any other orphan. There is one difference- in this case technology has created this life. No one in the third world is performing In Vetro Fertilization, this is largely a created problem. Lives are created that are then stored and frozen until they are either used for research or transferred to a mother. I can’t imagine any family that has been through IVF and struggled to create life only to later say “Oh, we were just kidding- they really aren’t children, they were just groups of cells”. Every mother that has undergone IVF and has had a child or children as a result knows that this is indeed a child not an nondescript group of cells.

So the second reason we chose adopt embryos is because we have working parts and that in itself is a gift from God.

Why adopt embryos? Part 1- The Loss of KK

Posted on March 24, 2013 by milemarkerblog

With so many children in America and around the world why would you adopt an embryo?

GREAT QUESTION

To explain why embryo adoption was attractive you must understand the back story that included the loss of a little girl we were in process of adopting. Please understand that this story only represents the Dillon’s feelings, events, and the side of the story that we see. We cannot see the other side of the story. We also love and respect the family involved and wish them the very best and we continue to pray for them. Many facts have been left out in order to protect privacy and to make sure that we remain edifying to all parties. That said, no question about it, this was a loss for us and factored into the decision for embryo adoption.

So, here goes:

3 years ago we met a young high school girl who was looking to put the daughter that she was currently pregnant with up for adoption. I was actually visiting with this young lady’s mother who was grieving the placement of this baby but felt like it would be a good thing-she just was having a difficult time with losing her grandchild. At the time, my friend did not know that we were looking to adopt in the future. When I told her that she went home to her daughter and asked her daughter what she thought about allowing us to adopt the baby. I don’t want to say too much here but there was not a very good situation in the young girl’s life at the time and there were complications to her parenting KK with the father or alone. We met the birthmom, she liked us and was happy to have us adopt the baby although she didn’t say a lot- you know it has to be excruciating to think about giving up your life, the life inside you. She wanted her baby to have a strong loving home though.

We completed the paperwork with the lawyer for a private adoption and began the joy of going through the appointments, ultrasound, and ultimately birth with her. What joy to hear KK’s heart beat for the first time, to meet with the OB and to text with her and hear about her contractions as each day we were closer and closer to meeting our little KK.

We got out the crib, set up the baby room (in Lexi’s room) and got all of the fun baby things out. We tried to love on everyone and I remember comforting the birth grandma and letting her know how much I wanted her to be involved with the baby- we will call her KK to protect her identity. We kept part of the name from the birth mom and changed only a little bit of it. It actually is a name we really really love and may use in the future. I even was able to relactate! My son was almost a year old and I had recently weaned him. With the help of a lactation medication I was able to restore a supply of mild in the 3 months leading up to KK’s birth.

KK’s birthday came and we were blessed to be with her mom, grandma, grandpa, at her birth. I remember holding KKs mom’s hand and arm while she labored and she was so strong as she beautifully delivered this amazing little girl.

The nurse showed her to mom and family but KK was hungry so she gave her to me to nurse. She took to me perfectly, naturally, easily. I felt like that was my child. The fact that she was not my genetics never even came to my mind. My body responded properly and I was making as much as she needed. I apologize in advance if this picture below is offensive. I love breast feeding and part of the preparation for KK was an intensive amount of pumping so I could feed my adopted child. This bonding made her feel like she was mine!

Looking back on it, I cannot imagine the pain and torment KK’s birthmom was in as I was feeding comforting loving her child. Or, was she trying to block it all out, was it ok- she knew the baby would have a good home, she knew we could give her a sister, brother, love and support in every way. We wanted her to be part of the family too. This would be a very Open adoption. I had brought the baby bag to the hospital, I had brought her going home outfit, her bows, her diapers, her blankets, her embroidered bibs, burbs, and bags all with her name.

The kids came up to see her and take pictures with her as did many friends! From these next few pictures you can see the joy on my daughter’s face- she was just glowing- she had a sister!

Seeing KK for the first time hands to her face and then over her mouth and then on her heart.

One Proud Big Sister! Proud Little Brother Too- He was even so excited for his sister!

Mom and her Girls!

We stayed in rooms next to each other in the hospital. KK stayed with me mostly and some of the time stayed with mom. When she was hungry I fed her and I cannot tell you how well my body responded. I made more and more and more milk because of the connection with KK (remember I had been pumping for 3 months to get ready and very little was made every day). Now I was flowing and she was eating, I remember holding that precious baby and loving it and I absolutely felt like she was mine. It was as if she had come out of my very own body. She was mine! The whole time we were in the hospital we knew that mom couldn’t sign away rights until 48 hours after birth. I wish I could say that was an easy time but we were kind of in a wait and see attitude. Would we get to keep this precious one as we had been told? Could birth mom really do it? Or would she decide she can’t live without KK. Papers were signed allowing us to take KK home for the social worker.

The second night in the hospital the birth mom asked if she could keep KK that night. Something grew in the pit of my stomach, something I had probably been ignoring for a long time. I remember hearing KK cry that night through the hospital wall and my heart just broke. I knew she wanted me and would be comforted. Then, just before discharge from the hospital, the news arrived that the birth mom was going to take KK home. I was not going to have the privilege of mothering this child.

It is a tough thing to explain, I had been very public about all of this adoption. That taught me a lesson for the future opportunities to keep them very quiet until they are absolutely going to happen. Then to leave the hospital without a child in hand was crushing. My mom was at home ready to meet her new granddaughter. I couldn’t go directly home to the kids as broken as I was. I ended up going to Patty Lynn Weber’s home and just cried and she kindly held me and cried with me. (For some reason Paul and I had two cars at the hospital.) I am so honored that she took time out to comfort me at that hour. I really needed her. When we did get home we had to tell Lexi and Luke that KK was not going to be ours after all. I was sort of numb for a few days. I had booked a photographer to take her pictures (newborn pictures) when she was only a few days old. This photographer also had an adopted daughter so she wanted to love on the birthmom as well as me. She took some gorgeous pictures (I took the clothes I had picked out for her and a beautiful headband to the photog prior to the session). KK is an absolutely beautiful baby. That day the photog offered to help the birthmom if she ever needed anything. It was arranged that the photog would keep KK the next day so birthmom could go see her boyfriend who had not been able to see his daughter yet. He lived a few hours away. She would have the baby for the whole day so she asked if I would like to come over and love on her and take care of her. I said yes absolutely and spent several hours that day with KK. In those hours I was able to say good bye to this little girl, only 72 hours old (and already with a baby sitter for the entire day) that I had prayed for, loved, prepared for and thought was mine. I don’t think anything can prepare you for that kind of loss.

Actually, there is one thing that can protect you from that loss- guarding your heart. I cried for days, we cried as a family, Lexi and Luke were a little younger so they were not as aware of everything. My mom was angry, angry because she felt like the birthmom had taken us on a ride. (I don’t think she did it intentionally.) We had to heal as a family and we went through many emotions of the pain and the loss and I learned that expectation means a lot. I continue to learn this about myself- I need to manage my expectations because if I can set out for others what I can and cannot do, and if I have clear ideas of how things are going to work than I am better able to operate. Even then, we never know what tomorrow will hold. God is the only one there already.

This was her crib all ready for her. The next Sunday was mother’s day and the dress in the crib was for her to wear to be dedicated. Her crib had actually been given to us by the birth family so we disassembled it and returned it to them. The linens were Lexi’s and I have them put up waiting on another little girl to join our family. Perhaps this is the hardest thing for me to submit to the Father- the desire for another little girl. Lexi wants a sister, I want another daughter. I wonder if some of that desire is placed by God or is some of that desire is due to this loss. I am not sure but I trust God to give us what we need not what we want. We are submitted to Him. As soon as I say that though I immediately think “OK, God- I am submitted to you …….but could you please do it my way?” Isn’t that crazy! We all have things that we need to constantly give back to the Father, for me the desire for a girl is one of them.

And just like that May 6th, 2010 was over and we were moving on to all sorts of events- dance recitals, all of the end of the year things that I had problem solved how to do with our sweet little girl. Each event passed and it slowly became easier. I did not go to baby dedication that weekend. The loss was just days old at that point and I couldn’t do it!

Current Update!

We saw KK at the pool park last summer. She played with Luke and he has no idea that this cute curly haired girl was once to have been his sister. I smiled and waved at her mom. I wasn’t hurt or angry anymore. It was ok KK has a home, it just isn’t ours.

If you had lived through this experience then it would make an impression on you. The desire to not bond with a baby (even before it is born) and have a mom change their mind is a little like ripping your heart out. All we could do was pray that God would reveal himself to this child. I love this family- especially KK’s Grandma- and we still pray for that little girl!

This is one reason embryos were attractive- the genetic parents want their children to have homes. They are giving out of love. The gift is given and set in stone long before the baby arrives.

Sensitivity

Posted on March 22, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I don’t want to be misunderstood about my personal impressions of the adoption process on this side of the coin, or to ignore the other side of the situation where a loving mother is trying to find a place for her child- a child that she loves and wants to give them the world. After I posted yesterday a friend from my small group sent me the following message from her perspective as a birth mom.

“I was just reading the post technicalities. It’s very interesting to read from that side of the adoption process. One of the things that struck me was you described mothers sifting through books like car shopping. I guess I had never thought of it like that and can certainly understand why you might not feel “good enough” or want to be compared to other parents.

In my own experience giving up my son at 17, I also had to read through profiles and compared parents. Any number of them would have loved my little boy. But then, I ran across one profile that I was drawn to like a magnet. There was no other profile after that. I was not a woman of faith at that time, but looking back I have to believe it was a direct intervention on my son’s behalf. When I read this profile, I didn’t choose it because they had been waiting a long time or lived on a farm or had kids or didn’t have kids or any of the other general details of their lives. It wasn’t any of the details except this one….that they were very involved with the church and believed Jesus Christ was their savior. That is the sole reason I chose them. In fact, compared to everyone else (the one thing that you were expressing a fear about) these people shone like a bright star. These people lived their lives in such a way that they included that as a priority in describing themselves, not just passively mentioning they were Lutheran or something like that. That, even as a non-believer, was what I wanted for my son.

Interestingly, they told me at our first meeting that they worried they would not be good enough. And I don’t know if God guided my words or what, but I softly responded to them with tears in my eyes and said, “you have opened yourselves to give my little boy a good home, you are more than enough.”

I love this response it represents the care of a mom who knows that this is going to be a painful decision for the future of her life even if it was a good decision for the baby. It is interesting too that her chosen family felt inadequate to ever be “good enough” for this gift. We feel the same way- how can we ever be deserving of such a gift? Who are we that we deserve to be given a life? Maybe that is where the dislike of comparison shopping comes in for me- would we ever be chosen? Ultimately, I believe that my friend was drawn to that profile by the Holy Spirit and that he had that particular family picked out for that child.

In the next few posts I will share a little about our adoption experience that failed as well as our trip through matching with embryo families and the Holy Spirit’s work in divinely creating families.