The Verdict is In

Posted on May 3, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I will not delay the drama- we are pregnant.

However we are early, only 4w1d. As many of you know infant loss and miscarriage is very very real so we are still trust God with all of our steps.

Let me just recap a little of what happened over the last week or so.

After my original enthusiasm over the 3 surviving embryos I spoke to the Embryologist (Tom) at the end of the day on 4-25-13. I asked him what the percentages on the form meant. They read like this

Embryo 1- 70%

Embryo 2- 60%

Embryo 3- 40%

Embryo 4-10%

Embryo 5- 50%

Embryo 6- 40%

Embryo 7-50%

Embryo 8- 70%

“What in the world does that mean?” He replied “Those are the amount of cells that were alive in the embryos.” I was stunned. You mean that only 70% of the blastula’s cells are alive? He walked me through some of the pictures as well as how they determined what embryos “had the potential for life” (that is a whole blog post in its own right) and which ones do not have the potential. Sitting where I am, I am grateful for a man with such wisdom to not transfer something to me that has no chance for life. He further explained the difference between the cells that have separated into the inner cell mass (that becomes the baby) and the outer cells (that becomes the placenta). Both of these two parts have to be forming properly to have a baby. After that I asked him what he would rate the blastulas. He told me B’s or C’s. Those of you who are familiar with fertility AA is the best AB means the baby part looks good and the placenta part looks pretty good but not as good as the AA would look. BB the BA or AB or CC or BC….on and on it goes. They rate the part of the blastula that makes the baby and then the part that makes the placenta. I am not sure why I wanted to know his ratings but I did. It actually shocked me to reality. After the excitement of the previous day I was now praying that God would grant us favor and allow a pregnancy. It was sort of sad though. I was thinking “I don’t know if I can do all of this over again”. I want these babies or this baby for our family and for the genetic family. I want them to have another child- a sibling for their daughter- I want to have another child. I don’t want to be responsible for losing these babies.

Let me tell you a little more about what happens to the embryos when they are thawed. In the past the only way to freeze embryos was by using a slow freeze technique. This results in less than 80% of the embryos surviving when they are later thawed. (Now they use a process called vitrification where they can “flash freeze” embryos with a 98% successful thaw rate.) When these embryos were thawed 3 of them were immediately considered not viable- Embryos 3, 4, 6. Embryo 5 and 7 were not considered appropriate for transfer however they wanted to grow them overnight and then see what they looked like on 4-25 before they made a decision. The next morning those embryos had also retarded their growth (stopped growing) and had darkened. This means that they were not going to be viable in the future. What if one of those had done well? They would have frozen it by vitrification and we would know that it was doing well to be able to thaw the next time.

What if we made the wrong decision to transfer 3?

Well, over the last 4 months we have submitted the numbers to God- He is in the details we believe. I asked Tom (our incredible embryologist) about the choice of three. We ask Dr S about our chances of pregnancy with transferring 2- he told us 50-50 that we would get 1 baby. Chances of twin pregnancy with transferring 2- 30%. Well, those really are not all that great odds (at least we didn’t think so). If we transferred 3 our odds of 1 taking would be better but we might have a greater risk of twins. Paul and I prayed and felt a great peace (remember this is before we knew anything about the embryos) that 3 would be a good number. If we did have twins God was big enough to take care of us. Triplets are really not all that likely.

I listened intently to what Tom was saying and I find it interesting that there is such a clear line between the “viable” embryos and the non viable ones. Isn’t it interesting that exactly 3 survived? Isn’t it interesting that they are so different from the others? I also find if amazing that the very best embryo- the one that was already breaking out of its shell was the very last one that they thawed. It was not even fully re-hydrated when they put it in me. I really believe that God is interested in details. Also, what if we have wanted 2? They would have only thawed Embryo 1 and Embryo 2 and stopped there. I guess we really can’t play the what if game but we would have thought that we still had 6 embryos left when in reality only 1 of those was considered viable. Sure, we can see that now…. I know this sounds strange but when you adopt embryos you just don’t know how they are going to turn out when they thaw. I have a friend who thawed one, transferred one, and got pregnant with one. I guess you never know. I will tell you I KNOW that the last embryo is one we are pregnant with (I just know it). Maybe we will call him ocho :).

Of course, we do not know the end of this story just yet. Since we are very early I covet your prayers for the health and safety of these babies. (We refer to them as plural since we transferred 3.) We pray for normal growth, continued growth, prayers that I would be very sick so I would know that they babies are doing well. We also pray that God would comfort the family that gave us the children (we haven’t talked about it but there must be a slight sense of loss) and bring us close together and in one accord throughout this time.

So, my lab today was 190- anything above a 50 is pregnant but I would have been shocked if I wasn’t pregnant. I am already craving my pregnancy stand by of mashed potatoes, I have cried (a lot), I have heartburn, feel a tightening or firming of my lower abdomen, I have a few more pangs of mild cramping, and am nauseated (already-really???). I couldn’t imagine that all of those and other things could just be in my head!

Next step? We will retest the labs on Sunday and look for the 190 to double. That will tell us that things are proceeding normally. If not, well, God is in charge of that as well.

I would love to leave you with my favorite scripture- one that we pray over these babies-

Psalms 139: 13-16

¹³For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

He knew me, He knows these babies by name….He calls them by their names!

Praise Him from whom all blessings flow!

Jonathan Thomas

Posted on April 9, 2013 by milemarkerblog

After we got the call “We have a little boy”. This one is ours. He is ours? He is for us? You mean, for real? For so long we have been praying for embryos, birth moms, babies, siblings, etc., and this one is actually ours?

A wave of emotion that I did not expect flooded over me. Could I do a good job taking care of this child? I had no doubt with KK. This one I did not know, I had not planned on, and we weren’t expecting. Could we afford it? This adoption would be a lot more expensive than the embryo adoption. There were a few hours of tears, possibly the release of emotions that we were finally going to get to keep a baby but also a doubt in myself that I was capable. That being said, the question very quickly became “How quick can we get him here”. I now understood the longing that every adoptive family feels when they have been placed with a child that they know is theirs however they are on the other side of the world. Our child could have been in Egypt he seemed so far away. In reality he was only two hours away but we wanted him NOW! A part of our family was somewhere else- he belonged here- in this home. It happens just that fast with adoption. I think that God changes our chemistry and creates bonds like this. We weren’t exactly in the clear yet. He was ours, mother’s rights had been terminated, but the original adoptive mother had not actually signed the documents to release the Child Placement Center from their contract with her. It was only 10 days from December 9^th until we had him in our home on December 19^th but it felt like an eternity! The mom never got back to the agency so they had to send her a legal paper that let her know that she was released. I don’t know all of the exact issues and legaleez but we didn’t like waiting! I think the concern was that we would lose this one too! We had been through this and we just wanted him with us- where he belonged.

Here are some pictures of his Gotcha day where we were able to bring Jonathan home. This was the first time we had ever even seen him in person.

The kids had to wait while we signed all the forms.

Loving on Julie!

First Look at Him

First Touch and cuddle

More Cuddles!

Lexi’s card for Jonathan

Julie wants cuddles too

Sweet Sleep

Reading JT the card

Family attention

Always close by

Luke reading JT the card

Precious Father Son Moment

Can’t get enough

: Can you see the Beam in his eye?

Something was funny

Final Good Bye Fabulous Foster Family

Our new family!

Praise Him From Whom All Blessing’s Flow! We were going to have the BEST Christmas Gift ever!

Behind the Scenes

Posted on April 3, 2013 by milemarkerblog

As I previously blogged we matched with 5 embryos 2pn stage. That means that these embryos were fertilized and then frozen immediately (Day 2 hence 2pn). There are a variety of types of embryos based on how old they are and how they are frozen- slow freeze or fast freeze (called vitrification). Embryos that live longer in the petri dish- grow to be 3 days old or 5 or even 6 days old tend to have a better chance of survival. We didn’t know this at the time we matched with those embryos. I thought I had done enough research (obviously a little more might have been helpful) and heavens- there were five of them. Not everything was said and done on October 1^st though when we received that email. Following the initial match there were further tests and blood tests and things seemed to take an unusually long time even when December came around we were still “in process”. We thought it would happen- I am still not quite sure why things stayed in process so long. Contracts to sign, blood work to be done (infectious disease) and just hold ups.

Let me back up here before I fully go into December. At our home study the last August the social worker asked us if we were open to a baby. We said that there was no way we could say no. Knowing our history we were reluctant to get involved with birth moms. That being said, they did go ahead and tell us about different birth moms that were looking in to adoption. I will withhold some of the emotion roller coaster even from the slightest hint that there might be a baby. All these months learned about their lullaby home. This is a temporary foster home where infants go immediately from the hospital to stay until their permanent family can come get them. Child Placement Center works with several families overseas and so sometimes the babies have to stay in this home for a small amount of time. We knew that they had a little boy and a little girl that were waiting for their adoptive parents. Thanksgiving came and the little girl went home. December 9^th rolled around and I received a phone call the little boy (Finn) was still in their foster home. Something was potentially wrong with his original adoption. I had a hard time believing it, no way were we actually going to be able to adopt a little boy.

After all that we had experienced it was actually going to happen?

What about the embryos?

What should we do?

What in the world was God doing?

Ohhhhhh- a baby for Christmas!

Could we dare hope?

When all our dreams were coming true (It seems God was giving us the desires of our hearts- another child) I personally had a type of insecurity, a little mini crisis……

Why adopt embryos? Part 2- Working Parts

Posted on March 26, 2013 by milemarkerblog

There are many reasons people adopt. I hear this wording lately of “growing your family through adoption”. I am not sure exactly what that means- it isn’t like a garden where we plant tomatoes and see what grows. We personally are not “growing a family” as if acquisition was the objective. Perhaps I am misreading here but for some reason it is just sort of an odd statement. Another odd statement was recently stated to me in an interview regarding embryo adoption from a researcher in England. They do not have embryo adoption in England so it is a novel thing to them. He stated “Ok, so it is kind of like you want to be a savior”. That bugged me too. No, I don’t want to be a savior, there is only one of those. God is big enough without me to manage every single one of His children that he loves. He doesn’t need me or my womb. He can do it without me. So why in the world would we do something like this on purpose?

I can only speak for myself (and occasionally my husband) regarding this issue. If you have read any of this blog you know that we had a difficult situation with the loss of a little girl in a private adoption. That made a huge impression on us. Why not adopt from Africa or Hati or any one of the thousands of children in orphanages that don’t have homes; that are going to grow up alone without a family? Why not adopt a child from here- out of the foster system? All of these are needed and necessary ways of adopting- every adoption is hard, it is not for those who would like it easy. A friend of mine sent out a message to several friends who had all adopted recently asking about the agency they used and what were their thoughts. It was amazing to me that every single answer revealed a different adoption agency as well as a different path. There are so many ways to adopt it is amazing. One friend who used one agency at first was using a different agency the second time. I digress.

In short, we chose embryo adoption because we can do something that not everyone who wants to adopt can. I have “working parts” and we have the ability to adopt in this way- a way that not everyone can. I asked Paul one time “This isn’t like real adoption; it isn’t like there is a child in an orphanage that needs a home”. Embryo adoptions are technically “tissue transfers” similar to an eye lens, kidney donation, or any other organ transplant. These children do not have rights in the eyes of the law- they are just tissue. As I wrestled with this a year or so ago and discussed it with Paul. Ever the fluent one he stated “Are you telling me that a child frozen in liquid nitrogen is not a life without a home?” “I would argue that this is a child in need of a home just as much as any other child that is currently in a mother’s belly or in an orphanage.” I don’t know, I am not sure I would go that far but I am still trying to work it out but I do know that I can carry and give birth to a child when not everyone is given this gift, why wouldn’t God call us to adopt this way? We are somewhat unusual in the embryo community because we have children (I don’t know any statistics for that). I have conceived, carried and given birth to my children with only one miscarriage. Frequently embryo adoption is a means for a family who has not been able to conceive their own children to allow them to experience the joy of pregnancy and birth of their own adopted child. Why does embryo adoption appear to be restricted to those who have not been able to obtain pregnancy by traditional means? It shouldn’t! I challenge that the life in that freezer is just as much a life as any other orphan. There is one difference- in this case technology has created this life. No one in the third world is performing In Vetro Fertilization, this is largely a created problem. Lives are created that are then stored and frozen until they are either used for research or transferred to a mother. I can’t imagine any family that has been through IVF and struggled to create life only to later say “Oh, we were just kidding- they really aren’t children, they were just groups of cells”. Every mother that has undergone IVF and has had a child or children as a result knows that this is indeed a child not an nondescript group of cells.

So the second reason we chose adopt embryos is because we have working parts and that in itself is a gift from God.

Why adopt embryos? Part 1- The Loss of KK

Posted on March 24, 2013 by milemarkerblog

With so many children in America and around the world why would you adopt an embryo?

GREAT QUESTION

To explain why embryo adoption was attractive you must understand the back story that included the loss of a little girl we were in process of adopting. Please understand that this story only represents the Dillon’s feelings, events, and the side of the story that we see. We cannot see the other side of the story. We also love and respect the family involved and wish them the very best and we continue to pray for them. Many facts have been left out in order to protect privacy and to make sure that we remain edifying to all parties. That said, no question about it, this was a loss for us and factored into the decision for embryo adoption.

So, here goes:

3 years ago we met a young high school girl who was looking to put the daughter that she was currently pregnant with up for adoption. I was actually visiting with this young lady’s mother who was grieving the placement of this baby but felt like it would be a good thing-she just was having a difficult time with losing her grandchild. At the time, my friend did not know that we were looking to adopt in the future. When I told her that she went home to her daughter and asked her daughter what she thought about allowing us to adopt the baby. I don’t want to say too much here but there was not a very good situation in the young girl’s life at the time and there were complications to her parenting KK with the father or alone. We met the birthmom, she liked us and was happy to have us adopt the baby although she didn’t say a lot- you know it has to be excruciating to think about giving up your life, the life inside you. She wanted her baby to have a strong loving home though.

We completed the paperwork with the lawyer for a private adoption and began the joy of going through the appointments, ultrasound, and ultimately birth with her. What joy to hear KK’s heart beat for the first time, to meet with the OB and to text with her and hear about her contractions as each day we were closer and closer to meeting our little KK.

We got out the crib, set up the baby room (in Lexi’s room) and got all of the fun baby things out. We tried to love on everyone and I remember comforting the birth grandma and letting her know how much I wanted her to be involved with the baby- we will call her KK to protect her identity. We kept part of the name from the birth mom and changed only a little bit of it. It actually is a name we really really love and may use in the future. I even was able to relactate! My son was almost a year old and I had recently weaned him. With the help of a lactation medication I was able to restore a supply of mild in the 3 months leading up to KK’s birth.

KK’s birthday came and we were blessed to be with her mom, grandma, grandpa, at her birth. I remember holding KKs mom’s hand and arm while she labored and she was so strong as she beautifully delivered this amazing little girl.

The nurse showed her to mom and family but KK was hungry so she gave her to me to nurse. She took to me perfectly, naturally, easily. I felt like that was my child. The fact that she was not my genetics never even came to my mind. My body responded properly and I was making as much as she needed. I apologize in advance if this picture below is offensive. I love breast feeding and part of the preparation for KK was an intensive amount of pumping so I could feed my adopted child. This bonding made her feel like she was mine!

Looking back on it, I cannot imagine the pain and torment KK’s birthmom was in as I was feeding comforting loving her child. Or, was she trying to block it all out, was it ok- she knew the baby would have a good home, she knew we could give her a sister, brother, love and support in every way. We wanted her to be part of the family too. This would be a very Open adoption. I had brought the baby bag to the hospital, I had brought her going home outfit, her bows, her diapers, her blankets, her embroidered bibs, burbs, and bags all with her name.

The kids came up to see her and take pictures with her as did many friends! From these next few pictures you can see the joy on my daughter’s face- she was just glowing- she had a sister!

Seeing KK for the first time hands to her face and then over her mouth and then on her heart.

One Proud Big Sister! Proud Little Brother Too- He was even so excited for his sister!

Mom and her Girls!

We stayed in rooms next to each other in the hospital. KK stayed with me mostly and some of the time stayed with mom. When she was hungry I fed her and I cannot tell you how well my body responded. I made more and more and more milk because of the connection with KK (remember I had been pumping for 3 months to get ready and very little was made every day). Now I was flowing and she was eating, I remember holding that precious baby and loving it and I absolutely felt like she was mine. It was as if she had come out of my very own body. She was mine! The whole time we were in the hospital we knew that mom couldn’t sign away rights until 48 hours after birth. I wish I could say that was an easy time but we were kind of in a wait and see attitude. Would we get to keep this precious one as we had been told? Could birth mom really do it? Or would she decide she can’t live without KK. Papers were signed allowing us to take KK home for the social worker.

The second night in the hospital the birth mom asked if she could keep KK that night. Something grew in the pit of my stomach, something I had probably been ignoring for a long time. I remember hearing KK cry that night through the hospital wall and my heart just broke. I knew she wanted me and would be comforted. Then, just before discharge from the hospital, the news arrived that the birth mom was going to take KK home. I was not going to have the privilege of mothering this child.

It is a tough thing to explain, I had been very public about all of this adoption. That taught me a lesson for the future opportunities to keep them very quiet until they are absolutely going to happen. Then to leave the hospital without a child in hand was crushing. My mom was at home ready to meet her new granddaughter. I couldn’t go directly home to the kids as broken as I was. I ended up going to Patty Lynn Weber’s home and just cried and she kindly held me and cried with me. (For some reason Paul and I had two cars at the hospital.) I am so honored that she took time out to comfort me at that hour. I really needed her. When we did get home we had to tell Lexi and Luke that KK was not going to be ours after all. I was sort of numb for a few days. I had booked a photographer to take her pictures (newborn pictures) when she was only a few days old. This photographer also had an adopted daughter so she wanted to love on the birthmom as well as me. She took some gorgeous pictures (I took the clothes I had picked out for her and a beautiful headband to the photog prior to the session). KK is an absolutely beautiful baby. That day the photog offered to help the birthmom if she ever needed anything. It was arranged that the photog would keep KK the next day so birthmom could go see her boyfriend who had not been able to see his daughter yet. He lived a few hours away. She would have the baby for the whole day so she asked if I would like to come over and love on her and take care of her. I said yes absolutely and spent several hours that day with KK. In those hours I was able to say good bye to this little girl, only 72 hours old (and already with a baby sitter for the entire day) that I had prayed for, loved, prepared for and thought was mine. I don’t think anything can prepare you for that kind of loss.

Actually, there is one thing that can protect you from that loss- guarding your heart. I cried for days, we cried as a family, Lexi and Luke were a little younger so they were not as aware of everything. My mom was angry, angry because she felt like the birthmom had taken us on a ride. (I don’t think she did it intentionally.) We had to heal as a family and we went through many emotions of the pain and the loss and I learned that expectation means a lot. I continue to learn this about myself- I need to manage my expectations because if I can set out for others what I can and cannot do, and if I have clear ideas of how things are going to work than I am better able to operate. Even then, we never know what tomorrow will hold. God is the only one there already.

This was her crib all ready for her. The next Sunday was mother’s day and the dress in the crib was for her to wear to be dedicated. Her crib had actually been given to us by the birth family so we disassembled it and returned it to them. The linens were Lexi’s and I have them put up waiting on another little girl to join our family. Perhaps this is the hardest thing for me to submit to the Father- the desire for another little girl. Lexi wants a sister, I want another daughter. I wonder if some of that desire is placed by God or is some of that desire is due to this loss. I am not sure but I trust God to give us what we need not what we want. We are submitted to Him. As soon as I say that though I immediately think “OK, God- I am submitted to you …….but could you please do it my way?” Isn’t that crazy! We all have things that we need to constantly give back to the Father, for me the desire for a girl is one of them.

And just like that May 6th, 2010 was over and we were moving on to all sorts of events- dance recitals, all of the end of the year things that I had problem solved how to do with our sweet little girl. Each event passed and it slowly became easier. I did not go to baby dedication that weekend. The loss was just days old at that point and I couldn’t do it!

Current Update!

We saw KK at the pool park last summer. She played with Luke and he has no idea that this cute curly haired girl was once to have been his sister. I smiled and waved at her mom. I wasn’t hurt or angry anymore. It was ok KK has a home, it just isn’t ours.

If you had lived through this experience then it would make an impression on you. The desire to not bond with a baby (even before it is born) and have a mom change their mind is a little like ripping your heart out. All we could do was pray that God would reveal himself to this child. I love this family- especially KK’s Grandma- and we still pray for that little girl!

This is one reason embryos were attractive- the genetic parents want their children to have homes. They are giving out of love. The gift is given and set in stone long before the baby arrives.

25 hour day?

Posted on March 17, 2013 by milemarkerblog

So, I thought that getting to the match after all of the challenges of the home study that took an extraordinary amount of time. If anyone has completed an adoption home study they understand that it is a long process. While completing the home study I simultaneously needed to find a fertility doctor that would understand and be on board with an embryo adoption for someone who did not have fertility problems. I am often asked many of the following questions:

“Can’t you have your own children?”

“Why don’t you adopt one of the children that are already here?” followed shortly by “There are so many that are already here that need homes”

“I don’t mean to be rude, ugly, frank (you fill in the word)……but, have you considered having more the natural way?”

More often than not I hear people say

“I didn’t even know that you could do that.”

“Hmmmmmmmm”

“Wow…..”

Well, let me answer some of those questions now, and in the future I may continue with occasional sidebars to the reason we chose embryo adoption. It starts with picking our fertility doctor- that is why I have included it here. We visited with Dr S. for an initial consult almost a year ago now on March 23^rd 2012. I remember the day when we were ushered to his corner office and a tech performed our intake. We love Dr. S. but this particular tech was perhaps new or not exactly the most mature of this amazing office. She was bubbly and sweet and I do remember her asking me the date that I last started my cycle. I had no idea. It is amazing to her that I was going into the office of a fertility doctor and yet I didn’t know when my last cycle started. Any of you out there who are trying to get pregnant know EXACTLY when your last “Day 1” started! This sweet tech got out her iphone and showed me an app that could help me track things. I would never again not know what day was “Day 1”. She ask me a myriad of questions regarding our fertility history (she was not aware that we had two children biologically) and how long we had been trying to have a child, and all sorts of medical history questions. After a little wait Dr S. came in. He was a tall thin man with 7 children and a quirky clock on his desk that ran slightly different than the other clock. He told us that one of his patients gave him a 25 hour clock because there was not ever enough time in the day to get everything done- he needed another hour. He asked us many questions, asked us about embryo adoption, our motivations, our goals as well as the specifics of embryo adoption. Dr S. has not ever worked with Nightlight Christian Adoptions or the Snowflake Program so he was interested. I remember him telling us “You know how many embryos that we have frozen in storage? We can’t do anything with them and we don’t have the infrastructure to be able to manage all the intricacies of this process.”

On that topic, did you know that there are estimated to be over 600,000 frozen embryos throughout the United States? What are we to say regarding these embryos? Are they life? Are they people? Are they an excellent avenue for research? These are personal decisions that each person must answer for themselves. These are the issues that each person who struggles with fertility must decipher for themselves. Technology has intersected Divinity for the creation of life. Is that a bad thing? It has given life to so many families that would not have had children without that intervention. Or, do you call it life? Is it a grouping of cells? Dr S. said one thing that day that I will not ever forget. He said “Once I connect that sperm with that egg it is a whole new thing in the eyes of the law and in the eyes of everyone involved.” Of course, he was speaking of the job of the embryologist in his lab but the principle weighed heavily on his heart although even to today I am not sure if he thinks of it cynically or with appropriate awe. Once an embryo is created in the lab it is a whole different thing, it is no longer just tissue it becomes more. I will leave intellectual discussions for others wiser and brighter than me this blog is about experience, it is not meant to dissuade or change opinions, just to chronicle our experience and hopefully encourage another along this journey. Dr S. has devoted his entire life to helping others succeed in their desires to have children. I guess we sufficiently answered his questions because he passed us on to the next step in the process. We were to meet with a counselor- a psychologist who could determine if we were suitable and if we were educated on using a “donor embryo”. He also ordered more tests so that he could tell if I was a good candidate for accepting embryos. These appointments would come over the next few months.

Happy St Patrick’s Day! St. Patrick the patron Saint of Ireland. We got our green on this morning for church. It was a lot of fun- I have never seen so much green at our church.

Keep Running!

The Long Absence

Posted on March 16, 2013 by milemarkerblog

For 8 months this blog has been silent. It is a funny thing how one feels that they have nothing worthy of saying or of someone else reading. That said, I have decided now, somewhat in hind sight to record the missing elements of the past 8 months. Over the next few weeks I may blog about current events, our past events and the lessons learned along our adoption journey coupled with the pain of its experiences. I have been private (that is highly unusual with me) in my interpersonal relationships when it came to this journey but now it is time to speak, to give a voice to the joys and the pain that are wrapped up in the journey. Where do we begin? Let’s start with our Oklahoma* babies.

Oklahoma* Babies
It was a joyful day on October 1st, 2012 when I received the following email:

“Congratulations, you have been selected! Your biography and photo collage were out for consideration by Danny and Krista* (names changed), who live in Oklahoma*. They have now contacted me and said that they would like for you to adopt their five (5) embryos. Accordingly, please find attached their family profile. The embryos were frozen in February of 2004; all 5 are at the 2PN stage. The eggs were retrieved from Krista when she was 36 years old.”

I can tell you exactly where I was when I opened the email. I was connected in my car via wireless card to my internet- I still remember the back street that I was going down when I received the email. I was in tears, I was over joyed, I loved this family immediately, after I called Paul to get his opinion on the potential match I was quick to place an over emotional phone call to Nightlight. I called our adoption agency- Nightlight Christian Adoptions and ask to speak with Kelly, I will never forget the sweet secretaries voice on the other end. “Is everything ok she asked?” I stated yes, yes, it was all just wonderful. Why I broke into tears I do not know (it would be consistent with who I am and how my emotions run).

Here is part of Danny and Krista’s letter that gave a window into the heart of a family that loved their children and desired for their frozen embryos to have a family that would love them and as their letter to us states….

“Our prayer is that we may offer these precious little ones to you in hope that you may be able to give birth and enjoy the child of your dreams…..Our prayer is that they will be loved and brought to the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ”

All I needed to know is that we had one common goal to introduce our children to the Savior in the prayer that they will one day trust him as their Lord. In this, we would agree and be aligned and over the next few months our lives would be intertwined from a distance.

What I didn’t know at the time and really until I am researched to write this post today another amazing event happened on October 1^st 2012 that I knew nothing about nor would we for months to come. As only God can today again I was brought to tears by the realization of the date OCTOBER 1^st 2012 would soon become a large part of our family’s life…….apart from these sweet embryos.

No Boys Allowed!

Posted on May 13, 2012 by milemarkerblog

“Please dear Lord, don’t let me have a boy!”

These were the words I naïvely said when my little girl was two and I found out that I was pregnant with my second. Boys were never in our plans. Why you may ask? Daughter in laws…. I didn’t want to fall in love with my little boy rear him to adulthood only to be surmounted by a young girl who now gets all his attention. Selfish huh? Yes, but absolutely true- we had planned to have all girls. Of course, God had other plans for us and His plans are perfect.

About 4 years ago I was working with Jr High Youth at my church. I was pregnant with a baby- about 14 weeks and I would find out that week what I was having. This baby too was a girl; I had fixed my mind that boys were not in the plans for us! I wanted sister dresses, girls to play together, everything in our house was pink, play kitchens, bunnies, dress up, flowers, pink cars, and pink toothbrushes. Pink Pink Pink Pink! Let me return to my morning in our youth building- we had a guest worship band that morning. They were high school students and really good. My eyes moved from the drummer to the lead singer to the bass player and the guitar. Each one of these boys, I’m sorry young men, was a Godly example to their peers. These boys were making good decisions, using their gifts to Praise the Lord and they were leading others, even though they were youth. I kept watching the drummer, the son of my physician, one of 7, he has the stature of someone years ahead of himself (maybe because of his older brothers, I don’t know). I don’t know him, I worked with the girls, however he was the example that God used in my heart to let me know it was all ok and his will is perfect. As I watched this drummer I held my growing tummy, closed my eyes to sing and I knew, in an instant, this child was a little boy. Not only did I know the sex of the child but I knew that it WOULD be just fine. Tears filled my eyes with thanksgiving for the work of the Lord. After church I told my husband that we would be having a boy and it was confirmed a few weeks later with an ultrasound that indeed it was a boy, and he was PROUD of it! From that moment on I was excited to have my boy.

This boy is definitely a world away from his sister- even if he did play with pink toys for the first year of his life. He acts nothing like her. He is grumpy, loud, busy, and amazingly gifted in electronics. Not only that, but he LOVES his mother. There is nothing like the love of a son, he wants to snuggle and cuddle and he is ALL about mommy! I am not sure where the next part of this story goes but for now my son is our DJ (with his Ipad) and he loves music. Every morning at church my son pulls and tugs my hand to go IN to the service. He is a 3 year old who is off the growth chart of a 5 year old and clearly cannot sit through a service but he wants to go.

What has this little boy mesmerized?

WORSHIP MUSIC

No lie, this little one has an affinity for music, he is constantly playing with his guitar, drumming on a drum pad or hitting anything and everything with his drumstick. He is even drawn to the piano. This mother’s day, as I sat with my big boy on my lap he intently watched the musicians, as he does every Sunday morning. I don’t have some big meaning to all of this except the wonder of our Savior- giving us exactly what we need when we need it. This little boy radically revolutionized my heart; he won it with his tenderness, his enthusiasm, and his loving spirit. I am SO THANKFUL that God had a plan to allow me to have this little boy. How silly I was to ever want to miss this blessing.

Baby dedication was also this morning and as I sit and watch the sweet babies, I cannot help but look to the future- what will it look like next year? Will we have another part of our family? Will we still be waiting? What will our home look like? One thing that I can tell you is I want more of both- boys and girls! Will God give us siblings? Who knows! One other thing I know for sure is I trust the HIM who formed me in my mother’s womb and every day was written in His book before one of them came to be.

Praise Him From Whom All Blessings Flow.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Step 1: Conviction

Posted on May 12, 2012 by milemarkerblog

WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?

Convictions come with passion. It is easy to have a extreme conviction for your favorite sports team. Ever visited a Texas vs. OU weekend in Dallas? You will see conviction.

Ever tuned in to some hockey or football games where crazed fans dance mostly naked with their head/chest/body painted with their chosen colors? I am a girl who can hardly invest the time in watching a football game that we really want to win because of the heartbreak and pain of losing. Am I competitive? No, never…..ok, yeah for sure. I also don’t like feeling bad when we lose so I would rather just not invest the time than watch some game just to feel bad afterward. Of course, in the case of a grand win, I also miss out on the celebration. Usually I can hear it, in the other room- especially if my father is in the house- he yells so loud I think the neighbors can hear him. That kind of conviction is easy when you are supporting a team- how can we be fanatic about a football/soccer/hockey game but not about what we believe.

What do I believe?

Jesus is God who loves me so much he died for me, and he loves me personally.
Jesus desires all to come to know Him, and wants a personal relationship with them.
He adopted me into His family.

Galatians 4:4-7 Message

^4-7But when the time arrived that was set by God the Father, God sent his Son, born among us of a woman, born under the conditions of the law so that he might redeem those of us who have been kidnapped by the law. Thus we have been set free to experience our rightful heritage. You can tell for sure that you are now fully adopted as his own children because God sent the Spirit of his Son into our lives crying out, “Papa! Father!” Doesn’t that privilege of intimate conversation with God make it plain that you are not a slave, but a child? And if you are a child, you’re also an heir, with complete access to the inheritance.

This conviction, for our family, results in some behavior similar to that of the fans of the Georgia Bulldogs above, or the Sooner and Longhorn crazed fans that split the Cotton Bowl in half. Sure, we don’t run around with paint on our heads, body, and face but we make decisions some might call just as weird. Stick around- I am sure that I will share some of our “weirdness” with you. Why wouldn’t all our convictions lead us straight to action? Violently waving and cheering for a sports team is normal but spending money, time, and treasure on an adoption is not nearly as common place. In our case, we have children, and I am asked all the time: Why would you adopt instead of having another baby- as if adoption is relegated to those who cannot BIRTH their own children. The answer to this question every single time is

CONVICTION

We have decided what we believe.

What do you believe?

Tell me about it.

The Start

Posted on May 11, 2012 by milemarkerblog

So, here we are; the start of a new chapter. My family is entering another phase- an adoption. Two years ago we went through an open adoption, held a leg at the birth of our child baby M, she was handed to me for me to feed and we kept her and loved her. We praised God for her, dressed her, and she happily slept in my arms between feedings. Our room was right next to the birth mom, papers were signed for the baby to be released to us and then the birth mom changed her mind. She changed her mind and we lost our little girl that our children had met and that we loved already. I cannot tell you how much I felt like she was mine.

Lord, why would you have us go through all of this if you were not going to allow us to keep this little girl. Why did my other kids meet her, why did I fall in love with this sweet child?

Only the Father knows the plans for his children. Maybe in another blog I will go into detail about this first adoption but today we are on the cusp of a new adventure. What an adventure it has been already!

Finally ready to jump back into the water after healing from our loss two years ago God began pulling and pulling us closer to “It’s your time now”. Actually, after we lost baby M I could sit in church without the nagging of feeling like I needed to do something more. I had been available but we ultimately did not have the child. So here we sit, God has said your time is now. I am ready, are you ready? Did I hear a voice, no of course not, not audibly but I did know in my spirit that this is the time.

My husband and I waited until 10 years after we were married to have children. We planned on children, we planned on adoption from before our marriage but we waited, finances, work issues, goals to be accomplished. We waited and waited and then it was as if we knew it was time to start our family. I became pregnant after a miscarriage and with the birth of our daughter we were forever changed. Isn’t that what happens to all of us? That was 6 years ago now and here we are with 2 amazing children. Why isn’t that enough? Why do we need more? Why don’t you have more of your own? Why adopt?

YOU MEAN YOU ARE GOING TO DO THAT!

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT!

Believe it or not, I have heard this from people I love and trust. The answer is simple: God has adopted us into His kingdom. Who are we, who have been given so much, to NOT adopt. How could we do anything else? So here we are, in the middle of our home study, working through the minutia in anticipation of what the next step is. For now though, we are being obedient with each small step, moving forward one foot in front of the other.

I hope this blog will “Mark each Mile” along the way.

STEP ONE tomorrow.