The Verdict is In

Posted on May 3, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I will not delay the drama- we are pregnant.

However we are early, only 4w1d. As many of you know infant loss and miscarriage is very very real so we are still trust God with all of our steps.

Let me just recap a little of what happened over the last week or so.

After my original enthusiasm over the 3 surviving embryos I spoke to the Embryologist (Tom) at the end of the day on 4-25-13. I asked him what the percentages on the form meant. They read like this

Embryo 1- 70%

Embryo 2- 60%

Embryo 3- 40%

Embryo 4-10%

Embryo 5- 50%

Embryo 6- 40%

Embryo 7-50%

Embryo 8- 70%

“What in the world does that mean?” He replied “Those are the amount of cells that were alive in the embryos.” I was stunned. You mean that only 70% of the blastula’s cells are alive? He walked me through some of the pictures as well as how they determined what embryos “had the potential for life” (that is a whole blog post in its own right) and which ones do not have the potential. Sitting where I am, I am grateful for a man with such wisdom to not transfer something to me that has no chance for life. He further explained the difference between the cells that have separated into the inner cell mass (that becomes the baby) and the outer cells (that becomes the placenta). Both of these two parts have to be forming properly to have a baby. After that I asked him what he would rate the blastulas. He told me B’s or C’s. Those of you who are familiar with fertility AA is the best AB means the baby part looks good and the placenta part looks pretty good but not as good as the AA would look. BB the BA or AB or CC or BC….on and on it goes. They rate the part of the blastula that makes the baby and then the part that makes the placenta. I am not sure why I wanted to know his ratings but I did. It actually shocked me to reality. After the excitement of the previous day I was now praying that God would grant us favor and allow a pregnancy. It was sort of sad though. I was thinking “I don’t know if I can do all of this over again”. I want these babies or this baby for our family and for the genetic family. I want them to have another child- a sibling for their daughter- I want to have another child. I don’t want to be responsible for losing these babies.

Let me tell you a little more about what happens to the embryos when they are thawed. In the past the only way to freeze embryos was by using a slow freeze technique. This results in less than 80% of the embryos surviving when they are later thawed. (Now they use a process called vitrification where they can “flash freeze” embryos with a 98% successful thaw rate.) When these embryos were thawed 3 of them were immediately considered not viable- Embryos 3, 4, 6. Embryo 5 and 7 were not considered appropriate for transfer however they wanted to grow them overnight and then see what they looked like on 4-25 before they made a decision. The next morning those embryos had also retarded their growth (stopped growing) and had darkened. This means that they were not going to be viable in the future. What if one of those had done well? They would have frozen it by vitrification and we would know that it was doing well to be able to thaw the next time.

What if we made the wrong decision to transfer 3?

Well, over the last 4 months we have submitted the numbers to God- He is in the details we believe. I asked Tom (our incredible embryologist) about the choice of three. We ask Dr S about our chances of pregnancy with transferring 2- he told us 50-50 that we would get 1 baby. Chances of twin pregnancy with transferring 2- 30%. Well, those really are not all that great odds (at least we didn’t think so). If we transferred 3 our odds of 1 taking would be better but we might have a greater risk of twins. Paul and I prayed and felt a great peace (remember this is before we knew anything about the embryos) that 3 would be a good number. If we did have twins God was big enough to take care of us. Triplets are really not all that likely.

I listened intently to what Tom was saying and I find it interesting that there is such a clear line between the “viable” embryos and the non viable ones. Isn’t it interesting that exactly 3 survived? Isn’t it interesting that they are so different from the others? I also find if amazing that the very best embryo- the one that was already breaking out of its shell was the very last one that they thawed. It was not even fully re-hydrated when they put it in me. I really believe that God is interested in details. Also, what if we have wanted 2? They would have only thawed Embryo 1 and Embryo 2 and stopped there. I guess we really can’t play the what if game but we would have thought that we still had 6 embryos left when in reality only 1 of those was considered viable. Sure, we can see that now…. I know this sounds strange but when you adopt embryos you just don’t know how they are going to turn out when they thaw. I have a friend who thawed one, transferred one, and got pregnant with one. I guess you never know. I will tell you I KNOW that the last embryo is one we are pregnant with (I just know it). Maybe we will call him ocho :).

Of course, we do not know the end of this story just yet. Since we are very early I covet your prayers for the health and safety of these babies. (We refer to them as plural since we transferred 3.) We pray for normal growth, continued growth, prayers that I would be very sick so I would know that they babies are doing well. We also pray that God would comfort the family that gave us the children (we haven’t talked about it but there must be a slight sense of loss) and bring us close together and in one accord throughout this time.

So, my lab today was 190- anything above a 50 is pregnant but I would have been shocked if I wasn’t pregnant. I am already craving my pregnancy stand by of mashed potatoes, I have cried (a lot), I have heartburn, feel a tightening or firming of my lower abdomen, I have a few more pangs of mild cramping, and am nauseated (already-really???). I couldn’t imagine that all of those and other things could just be in my head!

Next step? We will retest the labs on Sunday and look for the 190 to double. That will tell us that things are proceeding normally. If not, well, God is in charge of that as well.

I would love to leave you with my favorite scripture- one that we pray over these babies-

Psalms 139: 13-16

¹³For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

He knew me, He knows these babies by name….He calls them by their names!

Praise Him from whom all blessings flow!

Short Report

Posted on April 26, 2013 by milemarkerblog

Here is the email message that I sent the genetic family and our Adoption agency 10-24-13

10-24-13 PM

Today’s transfer appears to be successful so far. They did need to thaw all 8 blasts. That is the bad news. The good news is they have 3 that they think look very good. I do not have any information on grading yet or anything like that- I will get it to you as soon as I do. I do know 2-3 were immediately “not looking good” and that 2 of them the jury was out on- they were going to watch them for a few more hours but they were not comfortable with selecting those for us at the moment. I can tell you the very last blast they thawed was the best looking one and it went in. Tom (who has done this for 20+ years and handled the conversation on the phone with me when we lost our last 5) handled all of the transfer as well as the thaw. He is going to get me a full report. Another positive is that if those two end up viable they will be able to vitrify them when they refreeze- or vitrify one as needed. The statistical survival after a slow freeze (as these originally were due to the technology available at the time) have about an 80% thaw rate. The success of transfer after a vitrified embryo is used is equal to that of a fresh cycle- virtually no loss with thawing.

On to the process, they took me back and took a look at everything- they have big screen TV set up where we watched Tom take the embryos into the straw then he opened a door and brought them into the room, the transfer was complete then he took the straw back next door to put back into the medium to make sure it was clear and that all embryos were in. Sure enough, there was one still in the straw- straggler!

That immediately concerned me and I asked how often that happened he said 10% of the time. That isn’t good odds was my thought! He then told a story of a family that they were transferring three when they took it back and found one in the medium, they returned to transfer that one and when they went back there were two in the medium this time!!!!! He returned the two to where they should have been resulting in a twin pregnancy for that family. Anecdotal information really isn’t all that helpful- everyone has a friend who had xyz happen to them.

Anyway, on the second pass the straggler went in however when he returned the straw to the medium there was blood cells etc that had not been there the first time. I don’t think that is anything to worry about but it was an aberration from the norm. He then moved the magnifying glass over to the word clear signalling that sweet straggler had made it. At that time the speculum (how do you spell that) was removed and I was moved over to the gurney. I told them I could get over there but I was not to move for 20 minutes- Dr S has a specific spot where he holds on to the pt to slide them over to the gurney. After 20 minutes in recovery they let me go to the bathroom and use my first crinone dose for the day then to go home and rest. After that valium I was rather tired anyway.

Whew! There is the long and the short of the actual procedure.

Here are the first baby pictures

Hopefully God will grant that one of these little ones will take hold and develop into a baby. I think we have a good chance.

Pray it takes!

Baby #8- the strongest one of the bunch

Babies 1 and 2 they were reasonable with about 60-70% Viable cells….

SDG

Timing is Everything

Posted on April 25, 2013 by milemarkerblog

Fertility is amazing. Did you know that when it comes to conceiving the day that the embryos go in must match up with the day that the uterus is. For example, you don’t want to put 3-day old embryos in a 6-day along uterus, likewise, 5-day embryos can’t survive in a 3-day uterus…..amazing!

Written on 4-24-13

So, today is the day. The day to relax, spend time with the Lord and make sure my body is as calm as possible to be ready to accept these babies. Everything is going to happen just like that right? Sure….yeah right…..

This morning I got one of those dreaded texts from one of my therapists

“We need to talk”

“I am not going to be taking as many visits as in the past”

….this came from one of the girls I count on the most, a fabulous awesome therapist that I DO NOT want to do business without. No therapist is so important that we can’t do business without them and sometimes when I have lost what I thought was the best therapist ever Marathon has been even stronger as a result. You see, I hold Marathon with an open hand- God gave us this business; it is to His glory and honor that we serve our patients and each other. It is not of our own desires we are here to please Him and to honor His desires. We are here to give hope to our patients and to serve our agencies as well as serve the therapists.

I really hate any “We need to talk” statements be it text, on the phone, or email. It instantly sends chills up my spine and strikes fear in my heart. What is next, what have I done, what do I need to fix, what did I do wrong? Those things all immediately challenge my focus, my heart, my sense of comfort and peace. I always am worried about what is on the other side of them. Is it something that we can work out or did I mess up majorly. I digress, but perhaps I am the only one that instantly sees a problem as a personal deficiency on my part, a personal failure. I think most men see a problem as a challenge, they see it as a bridge to jump over, a hurdle that can lead to further success. I just want to go hide under a rock and say I am sorry a hundred times- even when it wasn’t my problem in the first place. This definitely doesn’t work so well when attempting to run a business or be a leader! I digress.

I was feeling sorry for myself when I texted a friend…..”Why today?” “Why would that person need to send me that message today?” “Why did I look at it?” and all sorts of other sorry for myself kinda things. As soon as I got those words out reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Today we are to transfer our babies. Hopefully God will graciously give us a pregnancy and life from today. If there is one person that hates life itself that is the devil. I don’t like making everything about the devil. I don’t want to make it totally “the devil made me do it” Sin is sin and we bring a lot of consequences on ourselves that have NOTHING to do with the devil but I do believe in this one case that the devil was definitely in charge of the timing as a goal of getting me off base, worked up, and taking my eyes off of Christ, off of the job at hand. If I am focusing on a temporal/ unimportant problem then I am wasting tons of energy from the important things. I know that I do this on days other than just today. I am sure that I do this commonly throughout the day.

God is in control, today, tomorrow, yesterday and forever more.

Period.

Welcome to the Family!

Posted on April 16, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I have been away for over a week due to Paul being in Guatemala on a medical mission trip. So much has happened today with a shooting at the local high school and the bombing of the Boston Marathon yesterday. So much to process and I am not really there yet. At times I think “What world will these precious children grow up in?” “What will there life be like 20 years from now?” Do we really want to bring up more kids in this ugly world? Of course the resounding answer is that God is in control. From the first day until now nothing happens that he doesn’t know about. I am going to just post some photos today because I need a little more time to problem solve, meditate, and ruminate through everything. As I said in my last blog, when we found out about Jonathan we could not get him fast enough. I cannot imagine having to wait any longer than we did to get him. I want to share some of our first photo session with him. My children have a special love for their brother. It is amazing!

Photo credit to Kelly Hosch.

I cannot tell you what an amazing man this daddy is. Anyone who knows Paul knows he is something special, something different. I was apprehensive about him going to Guatemala- I will admit it! I don’t want to do life without him and I don’t want these kids to lose him. Selfish, I know. On the other hand, I am glad that we got the rest of our life insurance! (Hey, I am practical!)

I love my brother. I only have one brother. He is also an amazing man with an equally amazing family. They could easily fill up three blogs with more information than you would want to hear my musings on. They also have an even better story to tell. I didn’t know kids could be as close as these kids are- the love that Lexi and Luke have for their little brother is really something that is new to me. Perhaps because these are a little older (my brother and I are 13 months apart) they wanted Jonathan and appreciate him more than I ever did my brother. This is a new concept for me. They really wanted this little boy!

Luke- oh heavens! That child has such energy! Remember how I DID NOT want a BOY! Wow, I sure would have missed out on God’s amazing blessing. Even now he is my sleeping buddy. Don’t judge, I know you are supposed to kick the kids out of the bed- we don’t do the whole co-sleeper thing- but since Jonathan has been here our sleeping arrangements have been a little different. Paul sleeps by the monitor in the living room (did I mention he snores) Lexi in “grandma’s bed” and Luke with me. I love just being able to touch his foot as he sleeps or waking up with his foot or arm over my face and listening to his little snores. Boy how I love that boy!

Lexi, my doll baby! She has a heart of gold, gift from God, just like my mother in law, or a girl version of her daddy. Modest, caring, loving, she cares about her friends, the feelings of others, and she really desires to be a little mother. More on her spirit and what she is teaching me soon.

Brotherly love- I will do a whole post on this one! I was so busy with hearing Lexi wanting a sister I never even stopped to realize (until after we had him) how much Luke needed a brother or how special this relationship would be. Jonathan will laugh at Luke more than anyone else. Luke can come up and dance for him and he kicks and tries to dance, Lexi comes up-he smiles. Luke, he jumps out of his seat almost, Lexi again- a little giggle. Really, Jonathan has picked his favorite- it isn’t mommy or daddy- it is LUKE!

I get the privilege of mothering this child!

So, this is our new family. Now we are 5!

A little part of this picture is missing. I would so love for Jonathan’s bio mom to know what an amazing gift she has given us. We haven’t met her and haven’t been able to tell her Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you! I hope we will someday!

Run on!

Why adopt embryos? Part 4 Choosing the family that will forever be related to you

Posted on April 2, 2013 by milemarkerblog

How does that old saying go?

“You can choose your friends but you sho’ can’t choose your family, an’ they’re still kin to you no matter whether you acknowledge ’em or not, and it makes you look right silly when you don’t.”

― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

I have to say, this is one of the most awesome parts of embryo adoption. The ability to determine if you are a good match with amazing people who are likeminded and want life for their embryos is an amazing gift. I feel like I am looking at future in laws when I look at a family’s profile on paper. What are they like? How do they run their family? What is important to them? What are the natural inclinations of the other children? One thing that is the same about all of these families- they want their frozen children to have life. They want them to at least have a chance at life. These families also almost always have children from the set of embryos that they are placing so the frozen babies are siblings to the ones that have already been born.

How cool is that?

Let me clarify here, all families vary on the desire to have a closed or open relationship, but I would say that the majority of the families desire at least some contact. They want their children to meet their siblings in the future. Paul and I were very comfortable about this and want these children to know how much they are loved by not only us but their biological parents. They can feel connected to their older siblings (of course I am not there yet so I may be in an idyllic lala land). I also want to speak of the quality of the families that we have encountered, even the ones with which we have not matched. They are amazing, educated, high morals, and want their frozen babies to have the opportunity at a full life with their future family. These families run the gamut of talents and gifts but they are almost always a husband and wife that want their children to be educated, given opportunities in the arts, athletics, and to grow in love of their fellow man. Isn’t that what every adoptive mother (or couple) wants for their child.

We were given the opportunity to see the genetic background for all of the families (one at a time) as we looked for our potential matches. We were able to see what the parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles all excelled in. What kind of business did they participate in? (Might we have a future entrepreneur in the family or a future musician?) What was their health history? Why did they have fertility struggles? Are they carriers of any genetically related issues? Paul and I carefully read over everything- I have not ever been in to genealogies but this was a great part of the matching process. I could go on and on about how valuable this information was. It was not a deal breaker in any of our decisions though- I will tell you that. Really, who of us doesn’t have a crazy Aunt Ethel or a family member that has struggled with a certain illness? You know going in to a match a lot of information about the family.

There are currently embryos that are waiting that have siblings with autism or other special needs. This does tend to make those children a little harder to place- perhaps you have a special heart and would be willing to give those little ones a chance. Here is the link to the waiting embryos at Snowflakes….. (Why do I sound like a commercial?)

http://www.nightlight.org/snowflakes-waiting-embryos/

Some are also special cases because they are multi-ethnic. We were actually open to these as well.

http://www.nightlight.org/snowflake-embryo-adoption/adopt-multi-ethnic-embryos/

So, the 4^th and final thing (for now) that is an advantage of embryo adoption is the ability to choose who you will forever be related to, and on what level. How much closeness is good for each of you? This has been an amazing blessing so far. There is one family that we did not match with (I will blog about that this week). We are still chatting occasionally and cheering each other on. Of course, we love people so this is hugely attractive to Paul and me!

May I indulge with a few more pictures of “Christmas” last weekend? We were not able to make it to Oklahoma and Paul’s mom hasn’t been feeling well enough to travel to us so we waited until this weekend to travel up there so we were able to get Christmas Stockings, Christmas gifts, and tons of fun with our older cousins…hours of fun building a fort too!

IPAD’s are SO interesting! Did you know three can play on one mini at a time? True

Long awaited Christmas Gifts

My Hot Wheel Fanatic!

Love Grandma Sugar

Of Course, Money is always our favorite!

She wanted a bow and arrow! Ha!

That is one scary alarm clock!

Happy Wednesday!

Run up that hill…..

More on the Process

Posted on March 28, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I will come back to Part 3 and Part 4 of why we chose embryos in the future but I would like to digress to part of the process for just a little while if it is ok. As I said in a previous post- October 1^st 2012 we found a match with 5 embryos. Prior to this however we were matched with a family that had 2 embryos. They were a wonderful family and Paul and I struggled and struggled praying over if this was “the one” for our family. There were several things that we looked at. Some of them were not, in hindsight, issues at all. At the time though, they mattered. For example, this family had two wonderful boys. We worried “What if we have a girl and they haven’t had a girl?” How would that be for them? Would they be sad that we were able to have a girl and they could not? Our social worker assured us that the family was very pleased with their current family and that their family was complete- they would be delighted whether we had boys or girls. I am not even sure why that mattered. I wonder however if it was just a cover because my real underlying concern was “If they had two boys maybe both of the embryos are boys and we have no chance at a girl”- Isn’t that silly! We are thankful for life, and life in general- why would it matter what sex the child is. As I have said before- this is something I am still in process of working out. Maybe it is because Lexi is so wonderful, but yet, we have not hit the tweens or the teens yet. I know ultimately, whatever we are given we will love and enjoy. I also pray even now for my future son in laws and daughter in laws. I think that is one of my bigger concerns with boys- you lose them to their wives. People always say that girls stick closer to home. I know it is true in our family. That being said, I have the BEST mother in law- a mother in law that Lexi takes after exactly. I am so blessed that she does! The second and probably largest reason that we did not adopt the first set of embryos that we matched with was because they were Jewish. I really thought that it would be an honor, a joy to have a child who was Jewish. Since we are Christian we have a great respect for the Jewish faith. One is Jewish by blood and heritage not because of a decision they make. Paul and I would want this child to go through all the rights, the rituals, the sacred ceremonies of a Jewish child. We would owe that to that child to honor his origin as well as his birthright. Paul and I just didn’t think that we had the ability to make sure that all of those activities were met by us. It would have been an honor and privilege to be a part of that community and it was very attractive to us- part of what made us want to adopt those 2 children but ultimately we felt that God had something else for us.

Because that was our first match, I cannot tell you how hard it was to let go. Would someone else want us? We know that this is a match- would we match again? What would our next match be like? Saying no to those embryos was very hard. I guess it is important for me to write about saying no because I want to make sure that people know that it is ok. The perfect match is out there. The right one is there, it is ok if there is a diffuse feeling of “this just isn’t right and I don’t know why”. We didn’t have very good reasons for saying no, it just wasn’t right.

We are excited about this Easter. We attended and LOVED the UMHB Easter pageant yesterday. This was Luke’s first time to really sort of understand. He just kept saying “Mommy hold me” and “when are the bad guys coming”. Then at the very end he was upset and hurt at what they were doing to Jesus, then joyful over him coming back from the tomb, and then cried (hard) when he didn’t get to high five Jesus. It was one of those contorted ugly cries- I think more from the heavy emotion of it all not so much from the high five but I am not sure. Either way, it was my first time to attend however Lexi’s 4^th. I think it will need to be a new tradition. Reverent Maundy Thursday to you- Sunday is coming!

Why adopt embryos? Part 2- Working Parts

Posted on March 26, 2013 by milemarkerblog

There are many reasons people adopt. I hear this wording lately of “growing your family through adoption”. I am not sure exactly what that means- it isn’t like a garden where we plant tomatoes and see what grows. We personally are not “growing a family” as if acquisition was the objective. Perhaps I am misreading here but for some reason it is just sort of an odd statement. Another odd statement was recently stated to me in an interview regarding embryo adoption from a researcher in England. They do not have embryo adoption in England so it is a novel thing to them. He stated “Ok, so it is kind of like you want to be a savior”. That bugged me too. No, I don’t want to be a savior, there is only one of those. God is big enough without me to manage every single one of His children that he loves. He doesn’t need me or my womb. He can do it without me. So why in the world would we do something like this on purpose?

I can only speak for myself (and occasionally my husband) regarding this issue. If you have read any of this blog you know that we had a difficult situation with the loss of a little girl in a private adoption. That made a huge impression on us. Why not adopt from Africa or Hati or any one of the thousands of children in orphanages that don’t have homes; that are going to grow up alone without a family? Why not adopt a child from here- out of the foster system? All of these are needed and necessary ways of adopting- every adoption is hard, it is not for those who would like it easy. A friend of mine sent out a message to several friends who had all adopted recently asking about the agency they used and what were their thoughts. It was amazing to me that every single answer revealed a different adoption agency as well as a different path. There are so many ways to adopt it is amazing. One friend who used one agency at first was using a different agency the second time. I digress.

In short, we chose embryo adoption because we can do something that not everyone who wants to adopt can. I have “working parts” and we have the ability to adopt in this way- a way that not everyone can. I asked Paul one time “This isn’t like real adoption; it isn’t like there is a child in an orphanage that needs a home”. Embryo adoptions are technically “tissue transfers” similar to an eye lens, kidney donation, or any other organ transplant. These children do not have rights in the eyes of the law- they are just tissue. As I wrestled with this a year or so ago and discussed it with Paul. Ever the fluent one he stated “Are you telling me that a child frozen in liquid nitrogen is not a life without a home?” “I would argue that this is a child in need of a home just as much as any other child that is currently in a mother’s belly or in an orphanage.” I don’t know, I am not sure I would go that far but I am still trying to work it out but I do know that I can carry and give birth to a child when not everyone is given this gift, why wouldn’t God call us to adopt this way? We are somewhat unusual in the embryo community because we have children (I don’t know any statistics for that). I have conceived, carried and given birth to my children with only one miscarriage. Frequently embryo adoption is a means for a family who has not been able to conceive their own children to allow them to experience the joy of pregnancy and birth of their own adopted child. Why does embryo adoption appear to be restricted to those who have not been able to obtain pregnancy by traditional means? It shouldn’t! I challenge that the life in that freezer is just as much a life as any other orphan. There is one difference- in this case technology has created this life. No one in the third world is performing In Vetro Fertilization, this is largely a created problem. Lives are created that are then stored and frozen until they are either used for research or transferred to a mother. I can’t imagine any family that has been through IVF and struggled to create life only to later say “Oh, we were just kidding- they really aren’t children, they were just groups of cells”. Every mother that has undergone IVF and has had a child or children as a result knows that this is indeed a child not an nondescript group of cells.

So the second reason we chose adopt embryos is because we have working parts and that in itself is a gift from God.

Why adopt embryos? Part 1- The Loss of KK

Posted on March 24, 2013 by milemarkerblog

With so many children in America and around the world why would you adopt an embryo?

GREAT QUESTION

To explain why embryo adoption was attractive you must understand the back story that included the loss of a little girl we were in process of adopting. Please understand that this story only represents the Dillon’s feelings, events, and the side of the story that we see. We cannot see the other side of the story. We also love and respect the family involved and wish them the very best and we continue to pray for them. Many facts have been left out in order to protect privacy and to make sure that we remain edifying to all parties. That said, no question about it, this was a loss for us and factored into the decision for embryo adoption.

So, here goes:

3 years ago we met a young high school girl who was looking to put the daughter that she was currently pregnant with up for adoption. I was actually visiting with this young lady’s mother who was grieving the placement of this baby but felt like it would be a good thing-she just was having a difficult time with losing her grandchild. At the time, my friend did not know that we were looking to adopt in the future. When I told her that she went home to her daughter and asked her daughter what she thought about allowing us to adopt the baby. I don’t want to say too much here but there was not a very good situation in the young girl’s life at the time and there were complications to her parenting KK with the father or alone. We met the birthmom, she liked us and was happy to have us adopt the baby although she didn’t say a lot- you know it has to be excruciating to think about giving up your life, the life inside you. She wanted her baby to have a strong loving home though.

We completed the paperwork with the lawyer for a private adoption and began the joy of going through the appointments, ultrasound, and ultimately birth with her. What joy to hear KK’s heart beat for the first time, to meet with the OB and to text with her and hear about her contractions as each day we were closer and closer to meeting our little KK.

We got out the crib, set up the baby room (in Lexi’s room) and got all of the fun baby things out. We tried to love on everyone and I remember comforting the birth grandma and letting her know how much I wanted her to be involved with the baby- we will call her KK to protect her identity. We kept part of the name from the birth mom and changed only a little bit of it. It actually is a name we really really love and may use in the future. I even was able to relactate! My son was almost a year old and I had recently weaned him. With the help of a lactation medication I was able to restore a supply of mild in the 3 months leading up to KK’s birth.

KK’s birthday came and we were blessed to be with her mom, grandma, grandpa, at her birth. I remember holding KKs mom’s hand and arm while she labored and she was so strong as she beautifully delivered this amazing little girl.

The nurse showed her to mom and family but KK was hungry so she gave her to me to nurse. She took to me perfectly, naturally, easily. I felt like that was my child. The fact that she was not my genetics never even came to my mind. My body responded properly and I was making as much as she needed. I apologize in advance if this picture below is offensive. I love breast feeding and part of the preparation for KK was an intensive amount of pumping so I could feed my adopted child. This bonding made her feel like she was mine!

Looking back on it, I cannot imagine the pain and torment KK’s birthmom was in as I was feeding comforting loving her child. Or, was she trying to block it all out, was it ok- she knew the baby would have a good home, she knew we could give her a sister, brother, love and support in every way. We wanted her to be part of the family too. This would be a very Open adoption. I had brought the baby bag to the hospital, I had brought her going home outfit, her bows, her diapers, her blankets, her embroidered bibs, burbs, and bags all with her name.

The kids came up to see her and take pictures with her as did many friends! From these next few pictures you can see the joy on my daughter’s face- she was just glowing- she had a sister!

Seeing KK for the first time hands to her face and then over her mouth and then on her heart.

One Proud Big Sister! Proud Little Brother Too- He was even so excited for his sister!

Mom and her Girls!

We stayed in rooms next to each other in the hospital. KK stayed with me mostly and some of the time stayed with mom. When she was hungry I fed her and I cannot tell you how well my body responded. I made more and more and more milk because of the connection with KK (remember I had been pumping for 3 months to get ready and very little was made every day). Now I was flowing and she was eating, I remember holding that precious baby and loving it and I absolutely felt like she was mine. It was as if she had come out of my very own body. She was mine! The whole time we were in the hospital we knew that mom couldn’t sign away rights until 48 hours after birth. I wish I could say that was an easy time but we were kind of in a wait and see attitude. Would we get to keep this precious one as we had been told? Could birth mom really do it? Or would she decide she can’t live without KK. Papers were signed allowing us to take KK home for the social worker.

The second night in the hospital the birth mom asked if she could keep KK that night. Something grew in the pit of my stomach, something I had probably been ignoring for a long time. I remember hearing KK cry that night through the hospital wall and my heart just broke. I knew she wanted me and would be comforted. Then, just before discharge from the hospital, the news arrived that the birth mom was going to take KK home. I was not going to have the privilege of mothering this child.

It is a tough thing to explain, I had been very public about all of this adoption. That taught me a lesson for the future opportunities to keep them very quiet until they are absolutely going to happen. Then to leave the hospital without a child in hand was crushing. My mom was at home ready to meet her new granddaughter. I couldn’t go directly home to the kids as broken as I was. I ended up going to Patty Lynn Weber’s home and just cried and she kindly held me and cried with me. (For some reason Paul and I had two cars at the hospital.) I am so honored that she took time out to comfort me at that hour. I really needed her. When we did get home we had to tell Lexi and Luke that KK was not going to be ours after all. I was sort of numb for a few days. I had booked a photographer to take her pictures (newborn pictures) when she was only a few days old. This photographer also had an adopted daughter so she wanted to love on the birthmom as well as me. She took some gorgeous pictures (I took the clothes I had picked out for her and a beautiful headband to the photog prior to the session). KK is an absolutely beautiful baby. That day the photog offered to help the birthmom if she ever needed anything. It was arranged that the photog would keep KK the next day so birthmom could go see her boyfriend who had not been able to see his daughter yet. He lived a few hours away. She would have the baby for the whole day so she asked if I would like to come over and love on her and take care of her. I said yes absolutely and spent several hours that day with KK. In those hours I was able to say good bye to this little girl, only 72 hours old (and already with a baby sitter for the entire day) that I had prayed for, loved, prepared for and thought was mine. I don’t think anything can prepare you for that kind of loss.

Actually, there is one thing that can protect you from that loss- guarding your heart. I cried for days, we cried as a family, Lexi and Luke were a little younger so they were not as aware of everything. My mom was angry, angry because she felt like the birthmom had taken us on a ride. (I don’t think she did it intentionally.) We had to heal as a family and we went through many emotions of the pain and the loss and I learned that expectation means a lot. I continue to learn this about myself- I need to manage my expectations because if I can set out for others what I can and cannot do, and if I have clear ideas of how things are going to work than I am better able to operate. Even then, we never know what tomorrow will hold. God is the only one there already.

This was her crib all ready for her. The next Sunday was mother’s day and the dress in the crib was for her to wear to be dedicated. Her crib had actually been given to us by the birth family so we disassembled it and returned it to them. The linens were Lexi’s and I have them put up waiting on another little girl to join our family. Perhaps this is the hardest thing for me to submit to the Father- the desire for another little girl. Lexi wants a sister, I want another daughter. I wonder if some of that desire is placed by God or is some of that desire is due to this loss. I am not sure but I trust God to give us what we need not what we want. We are submitted to Him. As soon as I say that though I immediately think “OK, God- I am submitted to you …….but could you please do it my way?” Isn’t that crazy! We all have things that we need to constantly give back to the Father, for me the desire for a girl is one of them.

And just like that May 6th, 2010 was over and we were moving on to all sorts of events- dance recitals, all of the end of the year things that I had problem solved how to do with our sweet little girl. Each event passed and it slowly became easier. I did not go to baby dedication that weekend. The loss was just days old at that point and I couldn’t do it!

Current Update!

We saw KK at the pool park last summer. She played with Luke and he has no idea that this cute curly haired girl was once to have been his sister. I smiled and waved at her mom. I wasn’t hurt or angry anymore. It was ok KK has a home, it just isn’t ours.

If you had lived through this experience then it would make an impression on you. The desire to not bond with a baby (even before it is born) and have a mom change their mind is a little like ripping your heart out. All we could do was pray that God would reveal himself to this child. I love this family- especially KK’s Grandma- and we still pray for that little girl!

This is one reason embryos were attractive- the genetic parents want their children to have homes. They are giving out of love. The gift is given and set in stone long before the baby arrives.

Technicalities

Posted on March 21, 2013 by milemarkerblog

After Dr S. agreed to work with us on the embryo adoption there were several tests that he needed to make sure we were good candidates. There was lab work for myself as well as my husband; and there was the aforementioned meeting with the psychologist. We did some research and determined that Dr. S has anyone who is using anything that is not their own genetics (sperm, egg, or embryo) must meet with someone to make sure that they have thought about the consequences and understand what they are doing. After this lovely meeting in her home office we were a couple hundred dollars lighter but we had her blessing. We then returned to the task at hand of completing the home study paperwork. This was almost done on our side and I remember the social worker from the agency was going to be out of town for almost a month so we needed to have the home study on a specific date before she left out of town. Lexi was at grandma camp and Grandma was kind enough to bring her back home early for this meeting. I seem to always be in a hurry in this process and then it always seems to be hurry up and wait. Our local social worker was fabulous and asked us many thoughtful questions that I would later recall. She was learning about embryo adoption- it is a kind of new field. She asked all about our motivations, our reasoning, our family’s opinions, and many many other thoughtful questions. I remember her asking “Would you consider taking a baby if a baby arrives and needs a home”. For some unknown reason that elicited an emotional response from me; and with misty eyes (or a little more than that) I told her “I can’t really imagine saying no to a child that needs a home”. It is true- show me someone with a heart for adoption that is headed down one road that isn’t going to be open to God leading a slightly different way. Many families have amazing stories of their open adoptions and the stories of birth mothers being involved in many aspects of their lives. I will write a whole post in the future of our failed private adoption that was part of the reason we pursued embryo adoption. Suffice it to say, the pain of that failure dissuaded a repeat of this scenario. That said, if a child is just there with no home….how could we say no?

On June 18^th I underwent a test called a Hystosalpingogram (HSG). I had heard horror stories about how painful this procedure was and I could spend a whole post blogging about the specifics of this. The coldness of the waiting room as I sat in the radiology waiting room in a robe with several women undergoing radiation for cancer coming and going through the locker room of sorts. The doctor that delivered my two oldest children was still my physician and I was SO relieved to get to work with her again. We grew to love her the day she sat and labored with my best friend from residency ALL NIGHT LONG. For hours on end she assisted her in the birth of her son. We loved her from that moment. Basically, the HSG would put some dye into my womb and determine if it was open and disease free and could carry children. As we already knew, the test came back excellent. I was in the clear. The waiting began again.

We would now be waiting on a match for embryos. I have to say that it is very unsettling putting together a profile and having a family read it and decide if you are what they are looking for as the parents of their children. I will tell you that I had the feeling of unworthiness to be able to accept the gifts that the family would give us. Thoughts that plagued my mind were “Will someone want us?” “Will they like us?” When I knew that our profile was sent to family I wondered in self-doubt and a lack of faith in God that we would be “good enough” to be matched with a family. Honestly, that was one of the things that bothered me about domestic adoption. It sounds silly, but to be in a book with many other families that were desperately wanting to have children and to have birth moms turning page by page was just a little unsettling for me. We have biological children, would that mean that a birth mom or family would think that we would love the adopted child any less? How long would we sit and wait for that mom that wants us? I don’t know why- I think it is likely a failure in my maturity but I didn’t want to be judged against other families. The process of selecting an adoptive family felt to me like car shopping. A man does research, looks at the different cars, the Honda has certain amenities but the Lexus has these other luxuries. I think I will go with the Lexus….. He makes his decision comparatively. Another example of this would be rush for a sorority or fraternity in college. This idea just didn’t sit well with me. Even now, I try to teach Lexi and Luke to not compare themselves with others but the only person that they can compare themselves with is their best or with the example of Christ. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this way of matching- it is necessary, needed, and a beautiful part of adoption. It just wasn’t for us.

This was one attraction that I had to embryo adoption. I do not know how other agencies match donors with recipient, but Nightlight sends your profile out to one family at a time. That family either accepts or declines us before they are sent another family. No comparative shopping, no car shopping. It was just one of the simple things that felt right!

Hope you all are having a wonderful evening. Lexi told me tonight that she “woke up when she turned 3”. She tells me that she started having memories at 3 and “it was like my eyes were opened the day I turned three”. (WHAT????) As we were talking about our Easter plans she told me “I would like to see the Easter pictures from 2011- can you remember the Easter egg hunt from that year?”

Random!

Holiness without the Halo

Posted on March 18, 2013 by milemarkerblog

Holiness

Holiness, what a word. Lexi and Luke (6 and 4) can never remember the meaning despite several attempts at instruction on this topic. It is somewhat difficult for a young one to understand. Goodness, it is difficult for adults to understand never mind children. So here is the object lesson that finally drove it home………

My 4 year old is really funny but then again, aren’t all moms biased to the humor in their own children? A couple of weeks ago everyone was tired after Sunday school, Lexi was hungry, mom and dad were extended and only Lukie was raring to go. As we exited the children’s wing of the church my “spirited” son began to whine “But mommy, what about worship”…….He continued to fuss and pitch and whine that we were not going to “worship”. Sweet Lexi (understanding that the service would mean that we wouldn’t make it to her beloved Mazzios that day) put her arm around Luke and rightly stated “Lukie, we can worship in the car, on the way to Mazzios……We don’t have to be IN the worship SERVICE”. Of course I am not sure that she was thinking about coming in to an intimate time with her Savior in the car to pizza restaurant all of 2 miles away but she does understand that there are many kinds of worship. As we exited those plate glass doors I looked at Paul and the decision was made- how would we or should we deny our 4 year old worship? In all honesty, Luke loves the music, particularly the drums and he really would prefer to stay in the service for just the music part then slip out. We do this sometimes, and I think it is necessary at times. I have no condemnation on those that stay for one service nor do I believe those that religiously attend both are any better or worse than others. There is however, blessings in corporate worship beyond the fact that we have been commanded to take part in it. There is a discipline, a soothing comfort in the ritual of meeting with a church body for worship. So yesterday, we headed for the service, sat down front and to the right, like we always do and Lexi’s attitude soured more and more as we got closer to our seats. Luke, on the other hand, was joyful. As we arrived at our seats Lexi continued to frown all the more due to my not having pen or pencil for the children’s bulletin so she could at least “entertain herself”. As we began the musical part of worship each child wanted to be held. At 6 and 4 I wonder when they will stop wanting to be held through music. I don’t mind it though, they will grow up soon enough. Luke enraptured by the drums did his best to sing along in his daddy’s arms, Lexi (after a nudge from mom regarding the need for a heart change) sulked and turned to worship along with us. She can read now, so the ability to sing along is improved. In all honesty, the kids were not trying to misbehave they were just simply tired and I was pushing them at least another hour away from their beloved alfredo pizza that awaited them at Mazzios.

I knew we would have a guest speaker today, our pastor had facebooked it. I am likely the only person that wanted to hear the guest speaker as a result of our pastor’s facebook post! In any case, here we were about to hear from the 82 year old Stuart Briscoe. You can read his bio here:

http://www.tellingthetruth.org/about/Bios/Stuart.aspx

Of course, I had heard his name however I had not read any of his books. I knew that he was not unknown to our church and that his wife was ministering in the prison about 40 miles from our town. Stuart assumed the stage and began to speak in an old English accent. There is just something about people from England and the way they speak that automatically draws you in. This, and the classic story that we all know of the little girl in Sunday School whose teacher describes a squirrel and asks the class what she is talking about. Of course, the Sunday School answer for everything is “Jesus”. Paul and I have even been known to say “I think it’s a squirrel but I am going to say Jesus” when an answer is obvious. Lexi, on the other hand, had not heard this story. She was able to settle and listen (praise the Lord I didn’t have a pen) and I look to my right and Luke has comfortably laid his head on his father’s chest and the two of them drifted peacefully to sleep. Their sweet little snores bringing snickers to our friends just in front of us. No matter, they had worshiped- Luke in the way that he wanted to, and Lexi was in for a treat.

You can hear his sermon by following this link:

http://www.templebiblechurch.org/sermon_downloads

and I urge you to find an hour and listen. Some of what he said will likely not be translated into voice because it was the hand demonstration that left the indelible impression in Lexi’s mind.

What is holiness? Adults will likely rattle off “set apart” and indeed that is what I had been trying to have Lexi remember- We are set apart for God’s purposes. Mr Briscoe used several other phrases and methods of explaining holiness. The one that sank in with Lexi and that she continued to do for the rest of the day was the image of a man who has “cut his finger off”. I guess this is a common thing for grandpa’s to fold down one finger and pretend like it is gone, and to the wonder and amazement of their grandchildren, they can replace said thumb or finger with the slip of the wrist. You all remember that gesture?

Other than being set apart, holiness actually means “cut off”, the verb to cut, as in the thumb being off the body. The church is “cut off” from the world. Another Stuartism (or Briscoeism) that I really like is that we are “something else”. Those in Christ are “something else” entirely. Of course, none of us are made perfect and we continue to pursue holiness day by day but in stature and countenance we are “cut off” from the world. Later, at aforementioned Mazzios, I asked Lexi (and Luke who had sweetly slept through the whole thing) what it meant to be holy. Putting her hand up and showing her daddy (who had just as sweetly slept as well) how her thumb was missing she said “set apart, cut off”. “What does that mean?” I asked her. With a shoulder shrug she said “I am not sure”. We further discussed this being cut off and set apart. What she can’t understand at 6 I pray will become clearer and clearer to her as she gets older, I pray the seeds of this sermon will bring forth fruit later in life.

I am very thankful for the object lesson in the humor of Stuart. I hope you will take time to enjoy him (with your children) as well.

Here is a link to buy the book:

http://www.amazon.com/Holiness-without-the-Halo-ebook/dp/B0076C6MMU

In conclusion, how did Mr. Briscoe say we are to continue to become holy? Well, ultimately it may just come back to that age old Sunday School answer.

Jesus

Specifically the passage of

1 Peter 1:13-25

Be Holy

¹³Therefore, with minds that are alert and fully sober, set your hope on the grace to be brought to you when Jesus Christ is revealed at his coming. ¹⁴As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. ¹⁵But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; ¹⁶for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”^[a]

¹⁷Since you call on a Father who judges each person’s work impartially, live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear. ¹⁸For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors,¹⁹but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. ²⁰He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. ²¹Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God.

²²Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.^[b] ²³For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. ²⁴For,“All people are like grass,and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;the grass withers and the flowers fall,²⁵but the word of the Lord endures forever.”^[c]

And this is the word that was preached to you.

I will get back to the adoption progress tomorrow, until then……

Keep Running!