After Dr S. agreed to work with us on the embryo adoption there were several tests that he needed to make sure we were good candidates. There was lab work for myself as well as my husband; and there was the aforementioned meeting with the psychologist. We did some research and determined that Dr. S has anyone who is using anything that is not their own genetics (sperm, egg, or embryo) must meet with someone to make sure that they have thought about the consequences and understand what they are doing. After this lovely meeting in her home office we were a couple hundred dollars lighter but we had her blessing. We then returned to the task at hand of completing the home study paperwork. This was almost done on our side and I remember the social worker from the agency was going to be out of town for almost a month so we needed to have the home study on a specific date before she left out of town. Lexi was at grandma camp and Grandma was kind enough to bring her back home early for this meeting. I seem to always be in a hurry in this process and then it always seems to be hurry up and wait. Our local social worker was fabulous and asked us many thoughtful questions that I would later recall. She was learning about embryo adoption- it is a kind of new field. She asked all about our motivations, our reasoning, our family’s opinions, and many many other thoughtful questions. I remember her asking “Would you consider taking a baby if a baby arrives and needs a home”. For some unknown reason that elicited an emotional response from me; and with misty eyes (or a little more than that) I told her “I can’t really imagine saying no to a child that needs a home”. It is true- show me someone with a heart for adoption that is headed down one road that isn’t going to be open to God leading a slightly different way. Many families have amazing stories of their open adoptions and the stories of birth mothers being involved in many aspects of their lives. I will write a whole post in the future of our failed private adoption that was part of the reason we pursued embryo adoption. Suffice it to say, the pain of that failure dissuaded a repeat of this scenario. That said, if a child is just there with no home….how could we say no?
On June 18th I underwent a test called a Hystosalpingogram (HSG). I had heard horror stories about how painful this procedure was and I could spend a whole post blogging about the specifics of this. The coldness of the waiting room as I sat in the radiology waiting room in a robe with several women undergoing radiation for cancer coming and going through the locker room of sorts. The doctor that delivered my two oldest children was still my physician and I was SO relieved to get to work with her again. We grew to love her the day she sat and labored with my best friend from residency ALL NIGHT LONG. For hours on end she assisted her in the birth of her son. We loved her from that moment. Basically, the HSG would put some dye into my womb and determine if it was open and disease free and could carry children. As we already knew, the test came back excellent. I was in the clear. The waiting began again.
We would now be waiting on a match for embryos. I have to say that it is very unsettling putting together a profile and having a family read it and decide if you are what they are looking for as the parents of their children. I will tell you that I had the feeling of unworthiness to be able to accept the gifts that the family would give us. Thoughts that plagued my mind were “Will someone want us?” “Will they like us?” When I knew that our profile was sent to family I wondered in self-doubt and a lack of faith in God that we would be “good enough” to be matched with a family. Honestly, that was one of the things that bothered me about domestic adoption. It sounds silly, but to be in a book with many other families that were desperately wanting to have children and to have birth moms turning page by page was just a little unsettling for me. We have biological children, would that mean that a birth mom or family would think that we would love the adopted child any less? How long would we sit and wait for that mom that wants us? I don’t know why- I think it is likely a failure in my maturity but I didn’t want to be judged against other families. The process of selecting an adoptive family felt to me like car shopping. A man does research, looks at the different cars, the Honda has certain amenities but the Lexus has these other luxuries. I think I will go with the Lexus….. He makes his decision comparatively. Another example of this would be rush for a sorority or fraternity in college. This idea just didn’t sit well with me. Even now, I try to teach Lexi and Luke to not compare themselves with others but the only person that they can compare themselves with is their best or with the example of Christ. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this way of matching- it is necessary, needed, and a beautiful part of adoption. It just wasn’t for us.
This was one attraction that I had to embryo adoption. I do not know how other agencies match donors with recipient, but Nightlight sends your profile out to one family at a time. That family either accepts or declines us before they are sent another family. No comparative shopping, no car shopping. It was just one of the simple things that felt right!
Hope you all are having a wonderful evening. Lexi told me tonight that she “woke up when she turned 3”. She tells me that she started having memories at 3 and “it was like my eyes were opened the day I turned three”. (WHAT????) As we were talking about our Easter plans she told me “I would like to see the Easter pictures from 2011- can you remember the Easter egg hunt from that year?”