Texas in the Spring

Posted on May 6, 2013 by milemarkerblog

It is always a tradition to have Bluebonnet pictures made around the Dillon Household. Even the very first Easter Lexi was standing in snow on the Bluebonnets. Gotta love Texas weather.

Another part of every spring and every April 15 lies TAX DAY. I am not going to delve to deeply into that except to tell you that we have a huge shock with our taxes this year resulting in the Dillon Family returning to a sequestration status. I think I have scared sweet Lexi because we aren’t going out to eat….save 1 meal a week. I am on a spending freeze for everything except necessities. As Dave Ramsey would call it a rice and beans…beans and rice budget.

So, as I got the kids ready to take pictures with our friend Gabrielle Cole she said “Mommy, pictures cost money- can we afford it?” Sweet girl. In reality I had cancelled pictures with Gabrielle let her know that we were not spending money on anything. I mean anything unless it is necessary. Gabrielle was so kind and was willing to go ahead and take our pics for us……We were so thankful and I hope to reward her in the future!

Take time now to visit her blog or to visit her on FB- she is a wonderful baby sitting and photographer. She has reasonable prices and she stays calmer than I do when Luke always decides that the photo time is the time to act like a maniac. Some how he things this is the time to act up. Even if he has been an angel all day. I will never know what it is!

Please send Gabrielle some love and some business for me! She deserves it!

http://gabriellecole.com/

https://www.facebook.com/gabrielle.cole.7161

Anyway….here go the pictures of the Dillon kids.

Thank you sweet friend!

SDG

The Verdict is In

Posted on May 3, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I will not delay the drama- we are pregnant.

However we are early, only 4w1d. As many of you know infant loss and miscarriage is very very real so we are still trust God with all of our steps.

Let me just recap a little of what happened over the last week or so.

After my original enthusiasm over the 3 surviving embryos I spoke to the Embryologist (Tom) at the end of the day on 4-25-13. I asked him what the percentages on the form meant. They read like this

Embryo 1- 70%

Embryo 2- 60%

Embryo 3- 40%

Embryo 4-10%

Embryo 5- 50%

Embryo 6- 40%

Embryo 7-50%

Embryo 8- 70%

“What in the world does that mean?” He replied “Those are the amount of cells that were alive in the embryos.” I was stunned. You mean that only 70% of the blastula’s cells are alive? He walked me through some of the pictures as well as how they determined what embryos “had the potential for life” (that is a whole blog post in its own right) and which ones do not have the potential. Sitting where I am, I am grateful for a man with such wisdom to not transfer something to me that has no chance for life. He further explained the difference between the cells that have separated into the inner cell mass (that becomes the baby) and the outer cells (that becomes the placenta). Both of these two parts have to be forming properly to have a baby. After that I asked him what he would rate the blastulas. He told me B’s or C’s. Those of you who are familiar with fertility AA is the best AB means the baby part looks good and the placenta part looks pretty good but not as good as the AA would look. BB the BA or AB or CC or BC….on and on it goes. They rate the part of the blastula that makes the baby and then the part that makes the placenta. I am not sure why I wanted to know his ratings but I did. It actually shocked me to reality. After the excitement of the previous day I was now praying that God would grant us favor and allow a pregnancy. It was sort of sad though. I was thinking “I don’t know if I can do all of this over again”. I want these babies or this baby for our family and for the genetic family. I want them to have another child- a sibling for their daughter- I want to have another child. I don’t want to be responsible for losing these babies.

Let me tell you a little more about what happens to the embryos when they are thawed. In the past the only way to freeze embryos was by using a slow freeze technique. This results in less than 80% of the embryos surviving when they are later thawed. (Now they use a process called vitrification where they can “flash freeze” embryos with a 98% successful thaw rate.) When these embryos were thawed 3 of them were immediately considered not viable- Embryos 3, 4, 6. Embryo 5 and 7 were not considered appropriate for transfer however they wanted to grow them overnight and then see what they looked like on 4-25 before they made a decision. The next morning those embryos had also retarded their growth (stopped growing) and had darkened. This means that they were not going to be viable in the future. What if one of those had done well? They would have frozen it by vitrification and we would know that it was doing well to be able to thaw the next time.

What if we made the wrong decision to transfer 3?

Well, over the last 4 months we have submitted the numbers to God- He is in the details we believe. I asked Tom (our incredible embryologist) about the choice of three. We ask Dr S about our chances of pregnancy with transferring 2- he told us 50-50 that we would get 1 baby. Chances of twin pregnancy with transferring 2- 30%. Well, those really are not all that great odds (at least we didn’t think so). If we transferred 3 our odds of 1 taking would be better but we might have a greater risk of twins. Paul and I prayed and felt a great peace (remember this is before we knew anything about the embryos) that 3 would be a good number. If we did have twins God was big enough to take care of us. Triplets are really not all that likely.

I listened intently to what Tom was saying and I find it interesting that there is such a clear line between the “viable” embryos and the non viable ones. Isn’t it interesting that exactly 3 survived? Isn’t it interesting that they are so different from the others? I also find if amazing that the very best embryo- the one that was already breaking out of its shell was the very last one that they thawed. It was not even fully re-hydrated when they put it in me. I really believe that God is interested in details. Also, what if we have wanted 2? They would have only thawed Embryo 1 and Embryo 2 and stopped there. I guess we really can’t play the what if game but we would have thought that we still had 6 embryos left when in reality only 1 of those was considered viable. Sure, we can see that now…. I know this sounds strange but when you adopt embryos you just don’t know how they are going to turn out when they thaw. I have a friend who thawed one, transferred one, and got pregnant with one. I guess you never know. I will tell you I KNOW that the last embryo is one we are pregnant with (I just know it). Maybe we will call him ocho :).

Of course, we do not know the end of this story just yet. Since we are very early I covet your prayers for the health and safety of these babies. (We refer to them as plural since we transferred 3.) We pray for normal growth, continued growth, prayers that I would be very sick so I would know that they babies are doing well. We also pray that God would comfort the family that gave us the children (we haven’t talked about it but there must be a slight sense of loss) and bring us close together and in one accord throughout this time.

So, my lab today was 190- anything above a 50 is pregnant but I would have been shocked if I wasn’t pregnant. I am already craving my pregnancy stand by of mashed potatoes, I have cried (a lot), I have heartburn, feel a tightening or firming of my lower abdomen, I have a few more pangs of mild cramping, and am nauseated (already-really???). I couldn’t imagine that all of those and other things could just be in my head!

Next step? We will retest the labs on Sunday and look for the 190 to double. That will tell us that things are proceeding normally. If not, well, God is in charge of that as well.

I would love to leave you with my favorite scripture- one that we pray over these babies-

Psalms 139: 13-16

¹³For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

He knew me, He knows these babies by name….He calls them by their names!

Praise Him from whom all blessings flow!

Short Report

Posted on April 26, 2013 by milemarkerblog

Here is the email message that I sent the genetic family and our Adoption agency 10-24-13

10-24-13 PM

Today’s transfer appears to be successful so far. They did need to thaw all 8 blasts. That is the bad news. The good news is they have 3 that they think look very good. I do not have any information on grading yet or anything like that- I will get it to you as soon as I do. I do know 2-3 were immediately “not looking good” and that 2 of them the jury was out on- they were going to watch them for a few more hours but they were not comfortable with selecting those for us at the moment. I can tell you the very last blast they thawed was the best looking one and it went in. Tom (who has done this for 20+ years and handled the conversation on the phone with me when we lost our last 5) handled all of the transfer as well as the thaw. He is going to get me a full report. Another positive is that if those two end up viable they will be able to vitrify them when they refreeze- or vitrify one as needed. The statistical survival after a slow freeze (as these originally were due to the technology available at the time) have about an 80% thaw rate. The success of transfer after a vitrified embryo is used is equal to that of a fresh cycle- virtually no loss with thawing.

On to the process, they took me back and took a look at everything- they have big screen TV set up where we watched Tom take the embryos into the straw then he opened a door and brought them into the room, the transfer was complete then he took the straw back next door to put back into the medium to make sure it was clear and that all embryos were in. Sure enough, there was one still in the straw- straggler!

That immediately concerned me and I asked how often that happened he said 10% of the time. That isn’t good odds was my thought! He then told a story of a family that they were transferring three when they took it back and found one in the medium, they returned to transfer that one and when they went back there were two in the medium this time!!!!! He returned the two to where they should have been resulting in a twin pregnancy for that family. Anecdotal information really isn’t all that helpful- everyone has a friend who had xyz happen to them.

Anyway, on the second pass the straggler went in however when he returned the straw to the medium there was blood cells etc that had not been there the first time. I don’t think that is anything to worry about but it was an aberration from the norm. He then moved the magnifying glass over to the word clear signalling that sweet straggler had made it. At that time the speculum (how do you spell that) was removed and I was moved over to the gurney. I told them I could get over there but I was not to move for 20 minutes- Dr S has a specific spot where he holds on to the pt to slide them over to the gurney. After 20 minutes in recovery they let me go to the bathroom and use my first crinone dose for the day then to go home and rest. After that valium I was rather tired anyway.

Whew! There is the long and the short of the actual procedure.

Here are the first baby pictures

Hopefully God will grant that one of these little ones will take hold and develop into a baby. I think we have a good chance.

Pray it takes!

Baby #8- the strongest one of the bunch

Babies 1 and 2 they were reasonable with about 60-70% Viable cells….

SDG

Where is my treasure?

Posted on April 18, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I attended the University of Oklahoma starting in the fall of 1994. April 19^th 1995 was just a regular Wednesday morning. I had an 830 speech class. At 9:04 the worst act of domestic terror occurred at the Murrah Federal Building. I didn’t hear the noise as many of my friends who were outside, I didn’t feel the shake, although my friends did, I didn’t even know anything had occurred until I walked into one of the coffee bars on campus. I was just going to grab a breakfast bagel and wait before my next class was to start. All of the students were gathered around a small TV up in the corner of the small restaurant. We were a mere 30 minutes to ground zero of this attack- the Alfred P Murray Federal Building in downtown Oklahoma City. We watched for a little while as the horrific events of what is now known and “the bombing” unfolded. I clearly remember the fear as Timothy McVeigh’s picture (or a drawing of him) was posted on the TV because he was not in custody. You all know the story- the beautiful building with a glass front and a day care center at the very center in front of the building. A coward drives up a yellow Ryder truck loaded with anhydrous Ammonia and proceeds to a getaway car (without license plates) while terror ensues.

Why is it that the initial shock gives way to a fear and wondering of what will happen next (is this it or is there more to come?). To this day, I do not like to be anywhere close to a yellow Ryder truck. The day continued with the entire campus in a state of shock and numbness due to the insult. We walked around shaking our heads, speechless, unable to concentrate on anything else. Fast forward to the evening, Campus Crusade weekly meeting was that night. We met early to pray for the evening. We met on the 8^th floor of a building on campus with very large windows and a 360 degree view of campus. On clear days you can see almost to “The City” as anyone from Oklahoma calls it. That night was different, it was dark, ominous, one of those April storms that Oklahoma is famous for. Real tornado weather- it gets a dark orangey color about 5 or 6 as the cool air collides with the warm air. It was dark by now and a full-fledged thunder storm was on the rise. Looking out those windows lightening was visible and lit those terrible clouds as the rumbled, rolled, and churned in the night sky. It was almost as if the devil himself was laughing at the havoc he had caused. Practically this storm slowed down the relief effort but it was their symbolic nature that stood out to me. The devil had one this battle. Due to the magnitude of this disaster recovery was not easy of anyone. Were there people trapped? Were there people in the rubble that could not be located? What now, now that it was raining? The search was called off for that night because it was treacherous to attempt to reach victims or injured that still could have remained in the rubble. We prayed in our room upstairs, earnestly we prayed for survivors, for the relief workers, for the city, the state, and the nation. We prayed that evil would not triumph and we begged God to allow their to be other’s to be found alive- that they would be recovered and soon.

As you can see the carnage was amazing- up until then America had not seen anything like it.

This is the picture of the century- the tenderness of sweet Baylee who died shortly later.

Baylee Almond

That night my friend Shana was coming to Crusade with my roommate. The following Saturday there was a date party for their sorority and I was setting her up with a friend of mine Ronnie. They wanted to meet at the meeting before the party. I looked around the room earnestly as people arrived for Ronnie. He didn’t come and he didn’t come. I asked one of the staff from Crusade if they had seen him. They responded “Tamy, didn’t you hear? Ronnie’s mom is missing in the rubble.” What does one say? Coldness washed over me. At that time “missing” almost assuredly meant deceased. God is in the business of miracles though and if anyone could perform a miraculous act and save my friend’s mom He could. We prayed for him that night, for all of them, for all of those rescuing people and very soon the rescue effort became a “recovery effort”.

I had to go see for myself what the pictures on the news were showing. The next evening a girlfriend and I drove to downtown OKC just to look, just to see it for ourselves. It was just that building that was destroyed the Methodist Church beside it was also heavily damaged. It was a rather quiet ride- what could you so to an insult so great that ultimately 168 people were murdered and 19- yes 19 of them were children. You see, the building was mostly windows with the day care positioned in the very front of the building on the second floor. All were innocents but the children! What could ever come of such a tragedy? We continued to pray and weeks passed. We started to learn why this man felt like he needed to make a statement and attack his own people. The site was searched and cleared for days and days on end until they were not able to go any further. Something special happened during this time, a fence was set up to block off the site from onlookers and those that gathered to see the building. This fence became a special part of Oklahoma history to this day. Everyone wanted to visit “the fence”, to leave their mark of love, encouragement, teddy bears for the children. It demonstrated community, resilience, and honored those that died. People came from far and wide to leave their mark at the fence. To this day it remains imbedded in my mind and part of it is in the museum that exists at the bombing site. I too left many a race number from the Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon on that fence.

So many things have happened this week. Boston Bombings, West’s Plant Explosion, Gary’s (our senior pastor’s eye removal) surgery today, and the anniversary of the bombing tomorrow none are a surprise to our Father. I sit here on the couch and show Lexi the pictures of West, some pictures from the bombing and the fence that adds hope. I tell her these stories and where I was when this occurred. I do not want her to fear tomorrow but I do want her to know that when the world falls in, when all else has failed, our Father is present. We talked about where our treasure was and what we treasure. As she says, “If this house burned down we would just find a builder and fix it- it’s ok, it is just stuff”. So often my treasure is here and now and it can so quickly be taken from us. The message of all trials (for a Christ-follower) is to grow more like Him every day. We have hope because our treasure lies elsewhere.

The Survivors Tree

One tree survived the blast that was on the complex, it is now called the Survivor’s tree. It is a symbol of home that evil will never and can never conquer good. For where our treasure is- there our heart will be also…..

Stay tuned for the rest of Ronnie and Shana’s story tomorrow and how “Mile Marker” got its name (it goes all the way back to the bombing).

Our only constant is our hope for our heavenly home.

Run on.

Welcome to the Family!

Posted on April 16, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I have been away for over a week due to Paul being in Guatemala on a medical mission trip. So much has happened today with a shooting at the local high school and the bombing of the Boston Marathon yesterday. So much to process and I am not really there yet. At times I think “What world will these precious children grow up in?” “What will there life be like 20 years from now?” Do we really want to bring up more kids in this ugly world? Of course the resounding answer is that God is in control. From the first day until now nothing happens that he doesn’t know about. I am going to just post some photos today because I need a little more time to problem solve, meditate, and ruminate through everything. As I said in my last blog, when we found out about Jonathan we could not get him fast enough. I cannot imagine having to wait any longer than we did to get him. I want to share some of our first photo session with him. My children have a special love for their brother. It is amazing!

Photo credit to Kelly Hosch.

I cannot tell you what an amazing man this daddy is. Anyone who knows Paul knows he is something special, something different. I was apprehensive about him going to Guatemala- I will admit it! I don’t want to do life without him and I don’t want these kids to lose him. Selfish, I know. On the other hand, I am glad that we got the rest of our life insurance! (Hey, I am practical!)

I love my brother. I only have one brother. He is also an amazing man with an equally amazing family. They could easily fill up three blogs with more information than you would want to hear my musings on. They also have an even better story to tell. I didn’t know kids could be as close as these kids are- the love that Lexi and Luke have for their little brother is really something that is new to me. Perhaps because these are a little older (my brother and I are 13 months apart) they wanted Jonathan and appreciate him more than I ever did my brother. This is a new concept for me. They really wanted this little boy!

Luke- oh heavens! That child has such energy! Remember how I DID NOT want a BOY! Wow, I sure would have missed out on God’s amazing blessing. Even now he is my sleeping buddy. Don’t judge, I know you are supposed to kick the kids out of the bed- we don’t do the whole co-sleeper thing- but since Jonathan has been here our sleeping arrangements have been a little different. Paul sleeps by the monitor in the living room (did I mention he snores) Lexi in “grandma’s bed” and Luke with me. I love just being able to touch his foot as he sleeps or waking up with his foot or arm over my face and listening to his little snores. Boy how I love that boy!

Lexi, my doll baby! She has a heart of gold, gift from God, just like my mother in law, or a girl version of her daddy. Modest, caring, loving, she cares about her friends, the feelings of others, and she really desires to be a little mother. More on her spirit and what she is teaching me soon.

Brotherly love- I will do a whole post on this one! I was so busy with hearing Lexi wanting a sister I never even stopped to realize (until after we had him) how much Luke needed a brother or how special this relationship would be. Jonathan will laugh at Luke more than anyone else. Luke can come up and dance for him and he kicks and tries to dance, Lexi comes up-he smiles. Luke, he jumps out of his seat almost, Lexi again- a little giggle. Really, Jonathan has picked his favorite- it isn’t mommy or daddy- it is LUKE!

I get the privilege of mothering this child!

So, this is our new family. Now we are 5!

A little part of this picture is missing. I would so love for Jonathan’s bio mom to know what an amazing gift she has given us. We haven’t met her and haven’t been able to tell her Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you! I hope we will someday!

Run on!

Jonathan Thomas

Posted on April 9, 2013 by milemarkerblog

After we got the call “We have a little boy”. This one is ours. He is ours? He is for us? You mean, for real? For so long we have been praying for embryos, birth moms, babies, siblings, etc., and this one is actually ours?

A wave of emotion that I did not expect flooded over me. Could I do a good job taking care of this child? I had no doubt with KK. This one I did not know, I had not planned on, and we weren’t expecting. Could we afford it? This adoption would be a lot more expensive than the embryo adoption. There were a few hours of tears, possibly the release of emotions that we were finally going to get to keep a baby but also a doubt in myself that I was capable. That being said, the question very quickly became “How quick can we get him here”. I now understood the longing that every adoptive family feels when they have been placed with a child that they know is theirs however they are on the other side of the world. Our child could have been in Egypt he seemed so far away. In reality he was only two hours away but we wanted him NOW! A part of our family was somewhere else- he belonged here- in this home. It happens just that fast with adoption. I think that God changes our chemistry and creates bonds like this. We weren’t exactly in the clear yet. He was ours, mother’s rights had been terminated, but the original adoptive mother had not actually signed the documents to release the Child Placement Center from their contract with her. It was only 10 days from December 9^th until we had him in our home on December 19^th but it felt like an eternity! The mom never got back to the agency so they had to send her a legal paper that let her know that she was released. I don’t know all of the exact issues and legaleez but we didn’t like waiting! I think the concern was that we would lose this one too! We had been through this and we just wanted him with us- where he belonged.

Here are some pictures of his Gotcha day where we were able to bring Jonathan home. This was the first time we had ever even seen him in person.

The kids had to wait while we signed all the forms.

Loving on Julie!

First Look at Him

First Touch and cuddle

More Cuddles!

Lexi’s card for Jonathan

Julie wants cuddles too

Sweet Sleep

Reading JT the card

Family attention

Always close by

Luke reading JT the card

Precious Father Son Moment

Can’t get enough

: Can you see the Beam in his eye?

Something was funny

Final Good Bye Fabulous Foster Family

Our new family!

Praise Him From Whom All Blessing’s Flow! We were going to have the BEST Christmas Gift ever!

Sunday’s Coming

Posted on April 7, 2013 by milemarkerblog

I would have posted this video on Friday of last week but it is used so often at Easter. This video comes to my mind as a cry of hope (that was our word for the last year) in any time of discouragement or despair. It’s Friday, the world seems dark……Sunday’s A Coming!

As we get ready to worship this morning and feel down, we trust that Sunday is here!

Father, I am available to hear your words today.

Grieving

Posted on April 6, 2013 by milemarkerblog

Sleep won’t come tonight. I have had an angel sleeping next to me for almost three hours. She has the sweetest heart. Most of the time I am blogging our past experience but there are so many things that are happening in the here and now so today let me just speak my heart.

Our pastor has cancer, a malignant melanoma in his eye and Two possible spots on his liver. His daughter and I did residency together, we tried to get pregnant together. I vividly remember the day that I had to stand up and say I was pregnant with my sweet angel and she was still not pregnant yet. I am grieving for her with the idea of her father losing an eye possibly or possibly worse or possibly better. Sarah is part of the embryo story because she led us to Dr S., the specialist that we are using for our embryo adoption, and has 4 beautiful children now as a result of his help. I visited with her over a year ago again about who to pick; but back to the story at hand. I am trying to share many of this sweet families status updates on my Facebook page but one in particular stuck out to me.

Pastor Gary, his son and daughter, wife and grandson in their home

This status was written by Sarah’s mom. It describes her feeling about her husband (our pastor) but it so describes Paul, our daddy, as well:

Today is a new day and we are continuing to keep our eyes on the One true HOPE. Gary’s mom is still in the hospital receiving antibiotics for pneumonia. Daniel’s wife, Michelle and Bill and the Riggs kids are joining us tonight. It will be sweet and crazy to be together.

So…I ask myself. Who will fill my car with gas and keep it clean if I lose the love of my life? And I will be mad at Gary if I have to do my own grocery shopping. These thoughts along with so many others remind me how spoiled I am by my precious husband. I’ve been told for many years to count each day as a gift. Now I know how important this is.

If you are holding a grudge against someone, please remember that life is fragile. Don’t waist a day before making amends.

With that said, I keep hearing my Beloved whispering “I’ve got this Baby girl.. Trust in Me.” He is covering me with that peace that surpasses all comprehension. He is my delight and I worship Him now and forever…no matter what happens.

They (and us too his church family) are grieving the idea that this man can lose his eye. Do we understand that God is sovereign? Absolutely! We know that He is trustworthy, He is able, He is competent to take care of us- all of his children but this still hurts.

Our daddy is in Guatemala on a mission trip right now and I am so glad that he has the opportunity to serve. He serves all day everyday both at home and at work no matter what. The quote above about filling the car up with gas, grocery shopping, getting my favorite yummies in the house are only some of the spoiling that my family receives. I know God is good and loves us and I don’t mind that Paul is gone- I just want him to be safe, I want him to be secure, I want our daddy to come home. I want the one that takes care of all of us safe and sound back here at home. I have my awesome mother here to help. It made such a difference to be able to take a nap and she went to get the donuts with Lexi (Paul’s Saturday treat to let me sleep in) as well as planted flowers with us, and made roast and potatoes. Even with all that, I want my sweet hubby to come home safe. Fortunately, we got his second life insurance policy just last month so I know that we will be fine whatever happens but I am scared. It isn’t that I don’t trust that no matter what God decides to do with our pastor and my husband that He will still work it for good, I guess I just want it my way. I want him back safe and sound. I want my friends Daddy to stay here and minister with us, to not have to go through this. Sure God is in charge but these things still hurt. Emotions don’t always obey truth they have to be processed through and made obedient but they are real none the less.

Paul keeps our home together. I know that is normally the mommy’s job. I guess because I own my business that has exploded lately we have depended on him even more. It isn’t that I even mind shopping- he just has more time to do it. I like to buy Christmas presents but he does such a better job searching the sale wracks all year long so by Christmas we have had everything for a long time.

Lexi said tonight:

“In most houses it is like “mom mom mom mom”, in our house it is always “dad dad dad dad”….

“Do you think I should do a better job with taking care of you guys?”

“Well, in our family it’s like we are treating dad like our servant”

“You Lukie and I should do more for ourselves”

…..Lexi

Out of the mouths of babes.

So, am I proud that I am not like normal women, that I cannot do without my husband who lets me sleep in, lets me take a nap, gets off work and says “How can I help you?” Immediately his first thought is “What can I do?” (ok sometimes he asks that after he has shopped at Marshalls or Ross) and then he goes and does anything that is needed. Picks Lexi up from school, takes her to carpool, goes and gets things we need. I could go on and on and on and I want him back home safe and sound. I don’t want him hurt on this trip. I don’t mind him going; I do mind him not coming home. Is the devil just playing with me? Do I not trust God? Yes, I know that God is strong enough and big enough to take care of us even if our daddy doesn’t come back but just like Luke told him tonight “Please come home daddy”.

I haven’t had to face imminent danger with my father yet although it is coming, but I am hurting for my sweet Sarah who now has to face it with her daddy. I am not as strong as these women that manage their whole homes with grace and beauty and dignity, who care for their world with amazing ease. I depend on our daddy and I want him to be safe. I also want our pastor to be safe and free of the cancer- whatever that means.

It still hurts though. I told the kids about pastor Gary’s cancer. A little girl in Lexi’s school has it right now so they understand some but not everything. They do know tomorrow’s service will be very special and they are to be there (with good attitudes) with me to hear him speak. For now we grieve………but Sunday’s a coming…………I think he will comfort us all.

Behind the Scenes

Posted on April 3, 2013 by milemarkerblog

As I previously blogged we matched with 5 embryos 2pn stage. That means that these embryos were fertilized and then frozen immediately (Day 2 hence 2pn). There are a variety of types of embryos based on how old they are and how they are frozen- slow freeze or fast freeze (called vitrification). Embryos that live longer in the petri dish- grow to be 3 days old or 5 or even 6 days old tend to have a better chance of survival. We didn’t know this at the time we matched with those embryos. I thought I had done enough research (obviously a little more might have been helpful) and heavens- there were five of them. Not everything was said and done on October 1^st though when we received that email. Following the initial match there were further tests and blood tests and things seemed to take an unusually long time even when December came around we were still “in process”. We thought it would happen- I am still not quite sure why things stayed in process so long. Contracts to sign, blood work to be done (infectious disease) and just hold ups.

Let me back up here before I fully go into December. At our home study the last August the social worker asked us if we were open to a baby. We said that there was no way we could say no. Knowing our history we were reluctant to get involved with birth moms. That being said, they did go ahead and tell us about different birth moms that were looking in to adoption. I will withhold some of the emotion roller coaster even from the slightest hint that there might be a baby. All these months learned about their lullaby home. This is a temporary foster home where infants go immediately from the hospital to stay until their permanent family can come get them. Child Placement Center works with several families overseas and so sometimes the babies have to stay in this home for a small amount of time. We knew that they had a little boy and a little girl that were waiting for their adoptive parents. Thanksgiving came and the little girl went home. December 9^th rolled around and I received a phone call the little boy (Finn) was still in their foster home. Something was potentially wrong with his original adoption. I had a hard time believing it, no way were we actually going to be able to adopt a little boy.

After all that we had experienced it was actually going to happen?

What about the embryos?

What should we do?

What in the world was God doing?

Ohhhhhh- a baby for Christmas!

Could we dare hope?

When all our dreams were coming true (It seems God was giving us the desires of our hearts- another child) I personally had a type of insecurity, a little mini crisis……

Why adopt embryos? Part 2- Working Parts

Posted on March 26, 2013 by milemarkerblog

There are many reasons people adopt. I hear this wording lately of “growing your family through adoption”. I am not sure exactly what that means- it isn’t like a garden where we plant tomatoes and see what grows. We personally are not “growing a family” as if acquisition was the objective. Perhaps I am misreading here but for some reason it is just sort of an odd statement. Another odd statement was recently stated to me in an interview regarding embryo adoption from a researcher in England. They do not have embryo adoption in England so it is a novel thing to them. He stated “Ok, so it is kind of like you want to be a savior”. That bugged me too. No, I don’t want to be a savior, there is only one of those. God is big enough without me to manage every single one of His children that he loves. He doesn’t need me or my womb. He can do it without me. So why in the world would we do something like this on purpose?

I can only speak for myself (and occasionally my husband) regarding this issue. If you have read any of this blog you know that we had a difficult situation with the loss of a little girl in a private adoption. That made a huge impression on us. Why not adopt from Africa or Hati or any one of the thousands of children in orphanages that don’t have homes; that are going to grow up alone without a family? Why not adopt a child from here- out of the foster system? All of these are needed and necessary ways of adopting- every adoption is hard, it is not for those who would like it easy. A friend of mine sent out a message to several friends who had all adopted recently asking about the agency they used and what were their thoughts. It was amazing to me that every single answer revealed a different adoption agency as well as a different path. There are so many ways to adopt it is amazing. One friend who used one agency at first was using a different agency the second time. I digress.

In short, we chose embryo adoption because we can do something that not everyone who wants to adopt can. I have “working parts” and we have the ability to adopt in this way- a way that not everyone can. I asked Paul one time “This isn’t like real adoption; it isn’t like there is a child in an orphanage that needs a home”. Embryo adoptions are technically “tissue transfers” similar to an eye lens, kidney donation, or any other organ transplant. These children do not have rights in the eyes of the law- they are just tissue. As I wrestled with this a year or so ago and discussed it with Paul. Ever the fluent one he stated “Are you telling me that a child frozen in liquid nitrogen is not a life without a home?” “I would argue that this is a child in need of a home just as much as any other child that is currently in a mother’s belly or in an orphanage.” I don’t know, I am not sure I would go that far but I am still trying to work it out but I do know that I can carry and give birth to a child when not everyone is given this gift, why wouldn’t God call us to adopt this way? We are somewhat unusual in the embryo community because we have children (I don’t know any statistics for that). I have conceived, carried and given birth to my children with only one miscarriage. Frequently embryo adoption is a means for a family who has not been able to conceive their own children to allow them to experience the joy of pregnancy and birth of their own adopted child. Why does embryo adoption appear to be restricted to those who have not been able to obtain pregnancy by traditional means? It shouldn’t! I challenge that the life in that freezer is just as much a life as any other orphan. There is one difference- in this case technology has created this life. No one in the third world is performing In Vetro Fertilization, this is largely a created problem. Lives are created that are then stored and frozen until they are either used for research or transferred to a mother. I can’t imagine any family that has been through IVF and struggled to create life only to later say “Oh, we were just kidding- they really aren’t children, they were just groups of cells”. Every mother that has undergone IVF and has had a child or children as a result knows that this is indeed a child not an nondescript group of cells.

So the second reason we chose adopt embryos is because we have working parts and that in itself is a gift from God.