Texas in the Spring

Posted on May 6, 2013 by milemarkerblog

It is always a tradition to have Bluebonnet pictures made around the Dillon Household. Even the very first Easter Lexi was standing in snow on the Bluebonnets. Gotta love Texas weather.

Another part of every spring and every April 15 lies TAX DAY. I am not going to delve to deeply into that except to tell you that we have a huge shock with our taxes this year resulting in the Dillon Family returning to a sequestration status. I think I have scared sweet Lexi because we aren’t going out to eat….save 1 meal a week. I am on a spending freeze for everything except necessities. As Dave Ramsey would call it a rice and beans…beans and rice budget.

So, as I got the kids ready to take pictures with our friend Gabrielle Cole she said “Mommy, pictures cost money- can we afford it?” Sweet girl. In reality I had cancelled pictures with Gabrielle let her know that we were not spending money on anything. I mean anything unless it is necessary. Gabrielle was so kind and was willing to go ahead and take our pics for us……We were so thankful and I hope to reward her in the future!

Take time now to visit her blog or to visit her on FB- she is a wonderful baby sitting and photographer. She has reasonable prices and she stays calmer than I do when Luke always decides that the photo time is the time to act like a maniac. Some how he things this is the time to act up. Even if he has been an angel all day. I will never know what it is!

Please send Gabrielle some love and some business for me! She deserves it!

http://gabriellecole.com/

https://www.facebook.com/gabrielle.cole.7161

Anyway….here go the pictures of the Dillon kids.

Thank you sweet friend!

SDG

Why adopt embryos? Part 1- The Loss of KK

Posted on March 24, 2013 by milemarkerblog

With so many children in America and around the world why would you adopt an embryo?

GREAT QUESTION

To explain why embryo adoption was attractive you must understand the back story that included the loss of a little girl we were in process of adopting. Please understand that this story only represents the Dillon’s feelings, events, and the side of the story that we see. We cannot see the other side of the story. We also love and respect the family involved and wish them the very best and we continue to pray for them. Many facts have been left out in order to protect privacy and to make sure that we remain edifying to all parties. That said, no question about it, this was a loss for us and factored into the decision for embryo adoption.

So, here goes:

3 years ago we met a young high school girl who was looking to put the daughter that she was currently pregnant with up for adoption. I was actually visiting with this young lady’s mother who was grieving the placement of this baby but felt like it would be a good thing-she just was having a difficult time with losing her grandchild. At the time, my friend did not know that we were looking to adopt in the future. When I told her that she went home to her daughter and asked her daughter what she thought about allowing us to adopt the baby. I don’t want to say too much here but there was not a very good situation in the young girl’s life at the time and there were complications to her parenting KK with the father or alone. We met the birthmom, she liked us and was happy to have us adopt the baby although she didn’t say a lot- you know it has to be excruciating to think about giving up your life, the life inside you. She wanted her baby to have a strong loving home though.

We completed the paperwork with the lawyer for a private adoption and began the joy of going through the appointments, ultrasound, and ultimately birth with her. What joy to hear KK’s heart beat for the first time, to meet with the OB and to text with her and hear about her contractions as each day we were closer and closer to meeting our little KK.

We got out the crib, set up the baby room (in Lexi’s room) and got all of the fun baby things out. We tried to love on everyone and I remember comforting the birth grandma and letting her know how much I wanted her to be involved with the baby- we will call her KK to protect her identity. We kept part of the name from the birth mom and changed only a little bit of it. It actually is a name we really really love and may use in the future. I even was able to relactate! My son was almost a year old and I had recently weaned him. With the help of a lactation medication I was able to restore a supply of mild in the 3 months leading up to KK’s birth.

KK’s birthday came and we were blessed to be with her mom, grandma, grandpa, at her birth. I remember holding KKs mom’s hand and arm while she labored and she was so strong as she beautifully delivered this amazing little girl.

The nurse showed her to mom and family but KK was hungry so she gave her to me to nurse. She took to me perfectly, naturally, easily. I felt like that was my child. The fact that she was not my genetics never even came to my mind. My body responded properly and I was making as much as she needed. I apologize in advance if this picture below is offensive. I love breast feeding and part of the preparation for KK was an intensive amount of pumping so I could feed my adopted child. This bonding made her feel like she was mine!

Looking back on it, I cannot imagine the pain and torment KK’s birthmom was in as I was feeding comforting loving her child. Or, was she trying to block it all out, was it ok- she knew the baby would have a good home, she knew we could give her a sister, brother, love and support in every way. We wanted her to be part of the family too. This would be a very Open adoption. I had brought the baby bag to the hospital, I had brought her going home outfit, her bows, her diapers, her blankets, her embroidered bibs, burbs, and bags all with her name.

The kids came up to see her and take pictures with her as did many friends! From these next few pictures you can see the joy on my daughter’s face- she was just glowing- she had a sister!

Seeing KK for the first time hands to her face and then over her mouth and then on her heart.

One Proud Big Sister! Proud Little Brother Too- He was even so excited for his sister!

Mom and her Girls!

We stayed in rooms next to each other in the hospital. KK stayed with me mostly and some of the time stayed with mom. When she was hungry I fed her and I cannot tell you how well my body responded. I made more and more and more milk because of the connection with KK (remember I had been pumping for 3 months to get ready and very little was made every day). Now I was flowing and she was eating, I remember holding that precious baby and loving it and I absolutely felt like she was mine. It was as if she had come out of my very own body. She was mine! The whole time we were in the hospital we knew that mom couldn’t sign away rights until 48 hours after birth. I wish I could say that was an easy time but we were kind of in a wait and see attitude. Would we get to keep this precious one as we had been told? Could birth mom really do it? Or would she decide she can’t live without KK. Papers were signed allowing us to take KK home for the social worker.

The second night in the hospital the birth mom asked if she could keep KK that night. Something grew in the pit of my stomach, something I had probably been ignoring for a long time. I remember hearing KK cry that night through the hospital wall and my heart just broke. I knew she wanted me and would be comforted. Then, just before discharge from the hospital, the news arrived that the birth mom was going to take KK home. I was not going to have the privilege of mothering this child.

It is a tough thing to explain, I had been very public about all of this adoption. That taught me a lesson for the future opportunities to keep them very quiet until they are absolutely going to happen. Then to leave the hospital without a child in hand was crushing. My mom was at home ready to meet her new granddaughter. I couldn’t go directly home to the kids as broken as I was. I ended up going to Patty Lynn Weber’s home and just cried and she kindly held me and cried with me. (For some reason Paul and I had two cars at the hospital.) I am so honored that she took time out to comfort me at that hour. I really needed her. When we did get home we had to tell Lexi and Luke that KK was not going to be ours after all. I was sort of numb for a few days. I had booked a photographer to take her pictures (newborn pictures) when she was only a few days old. This photographer also had an adopted daughter so she wanted to love on the birthmom as well as me. She took some gorgeous pictures (I took the clothes I had picked out for her and a beautiful headband to the photog prior to the session). KK is an absolutely beautiful baby. That day the photog offered to help the birthmom if she ever needed anything. It was arranged that the photog would keep KK the next day so birthmom could go see her boyfriend who had not been able to see his daughter yet. He lived a few hours away. She would have the baby for the whole day so she asked if I would like to come over and love on her and take care of her. I said yes absolutely and spent several hours that day with KK. In those hours I was able to say good bye to this little girl, only 72 hours old (and already with a baby sitter for the entire day) that I had prayed for, loved, prepared for and thought was mine. I don’t think anything can prepare you for that kind of loss.

Actually, there is one thing that can protect you from that loss- guarding your heart. I cried for days, we cried as a family, Lexi and Luke were a little younger so they were not as aware of everything. My mom was angry, angry because she felt like the birthmom had taken us on a ride. (I don’t think she did it intentionally.) We had to heal as a family and we went through many emotions of the pain and the loss and I learned that expectation means a lot. I continue to learn this about myself- I need to manage my expectations because if I can set out for others what I can and cannot do, and if I have clear ideas of how things are going to work than I am better able to operate. Even then, we never know what tomorrow will hold. God is the only one there already.

This was her crib all ready for her. The next Sunday was mother’s day and the dress in the crib was for her to wear to be dedicated. Her crib had actually been given to us by the birth family so we disassembled it and returned it to them. The linens were Lexi’s and I have them put up waiting on another little girl to join our family. Perhaps this is the hardest thing for me to submit to the Father- the desire for another little girl. Lexi wants a sister, I want another daughter. I wonder if some of that desire is placed by God or is some of that desire is due to this loss. I am not sure but I trust God to give us what we need not what we want. We are submitted to Him. As soon as I say that though I immediately think “OK, God- I am submitted to you …….but could you please do it my way?” Isn’t that crazy! We all have things that we need to constantly give back to the Father, for me the desire for a girl is one of them.

And just like that May 6th, 2010 was over and we were moving on to all sorts of events- dance recitals, all of the end of the year things that I had problem solved how to do with our sweet little girl. Each event passed and it slowly became easier. I did not go to baby dedication that weekend. The loss was just days old at that point and I couldn’t do it!

Current Update!

We saw KK at the pool park last summer. She played with Luke and he has no idea that this cute curly haired girl was once to have been his sister. I smiled and waved at her mom. I wasn’t hurt or angry anymore. It was ok KK has a home, it just isn’t ours.

If you had lived through this experience then it would make an impression on you. The desire to not bond with a baby (even before it is born) and have a mom change their mind is a little like ripping your heart out. All we could do was pray that God would reveal himself to this child. I love this family- especially KK’s Grandma- and we still pray for that little girl!

This is one reason embryos were attractive- the genetic parents want their children to have homes. They are giving out of love. The gift is given and set in stone long before the baby arrives.

No Boys Allowed!

Posted on May 13, 2012 by milemarkerblog

“Please dear Lord, don’t let me have a boy!”

These were the words I naïvely said when my little girl was two and I found out that I was pregnant with my second. Boys were never in our plans. Why you may ask? Daughter in laws…. I didn’t want to fall in love with my little boy rear him to adulthood only to be surmounted by a young girl who now gets all his attention. Selfish huh? Yes, but absolutely true- we had planned to have all girls. Of course, God had other plans for us and His plans are perfect.

About 4 years ago I was working with Jr High Youth at my church. I was pregnant with a baby- about 14 weeks and I would find out that week what I was having. This baby too was a girl; I had fixed my mind that boys were not in the plans for us! I wanted sister dresses, girls to play together, everything in our house was pink, play kitchens, bunnies, dress up, flowers, pink cars, and pink toothbrushes. Pink Pink Pink Pink! Let me return to my morning in our youth building- we had a guest worship band that morning. They were high school students and really good. My eyes moved from the drummer to the lead singer to the bass player and the guitar. Each one of these boys, I’m sorry young men, was a Godly example to their peers. These boys were making good decisions, using their gifts to Praise the Lord and they were leading others, even though they were youth. I kept watching the drummer, the son of my physician, one of 7, he has the stature of someone years ahead of himself (maybe because of his older brothers, I don’t know). I don’t know him, I worked with the girls, however he was the example that God used in my heart to let me know it was all ok and his will is perfect. As I watched this drummer I held my growing tummy, closed my eyes to sing and I knew, in an instant, this child was a little boy. Not only did I know the sex of the child but I knew that it WOULD be just fine. Tears filled my eyes with thanksgiving for the work of the Lord. After church I told my husband that we would be having a boy and it was confirmed a few weeks later with an ultrasound that indeed it was a boy, and he was PROUD of it! From that moment on I was excited to have my boy.

This boy is definitely a world away from his sister- even if he did play with pink toys for the first year of his life. He acts nothing like her. He is grumpy, loud, busy, and amazingly gifted in electronics. Not only that, but he LOVES his mother. There is nothing like the love of a son, he wants to snuggle and cuddle and he is ALL about mommy! I am not sure where the next part of this story goes but for now my son is our DJ (with his Ipad) and he loves music. Every morning at church my son pulls and tugs my hand to go IN to the service. He is a 3 year old who is off the growth chart of a 5 year old and clearly cannot sit through a service but he wants to go.

What has this little boy mesmerized?

WORSHIP MUSIC

No lie, this little one has an affinity for music, he is constantly playing with his guitar, drumming on a drum pad or hitting anything and everything with his drumstick. He is even drawn to the piano. This mother’s day, as I sat with my big boy on my lap he intently watched the musicians, as he does every Sunday morning. I don’t have some big meaning to all of this except the wonder of our Savior- giving us exactly what we need when we need it. This little boy radically revolutionized my heart; he won it with his tenderness, his enthusiasm, and his loving spirit. I am SO THANKFUL that God had a plan to allow me to have this little boy. How silly I was to ever want to miss this blessing.

Baby dedication was also this morning and as I sit and watch the sweet babies, I cannot help but look to the future- what will it look like next year? Will we have another part of our family? Will we still be waiting? What will our home look like? One thing that I can tell you is I want more of both- boys and girls! Will God give us siblings? Who knows! One other thing I know for sure is I trust the HIM who formed me in my mother’s womb and every day was written in His book before one of them came to be.

Praise Him From Whom All Blessings Flow.

Happy Mother’s Day!